12813/Above My Paygrade

From United Heroes MUSH
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Above My Paygrade
Date of Scene: 09 March 2021
Location: Xavier's Office / Classroom
Synopsis: Jean and Xavier speak on matters of regret, the burden of power, and the importance of those around them. Plans are made to research the Phoenix Force and to place an overdue and very long distance call.
Cast of Characters: Phoenix, Professor X




Phoenix has posed:
Power is funny. For most people, power is just a glimpse of the ocean in the distance and maybe something you dip a toe into once or twice in your life. For the fortunate, they get a beachfront property and a great view. Rarer still are those who get to spend most of their lives in the water, racing through the surf and sometimes braving short ventures into the deep. So for the unusual few who are thrown out into the midst of the endless sea, can they be considered fortunate to experience what so few do? Or are they cursed for it, because people weren't meant to swim that far?

In the days since Jean awoke after the DAMT assault, the woman has been quiet. Compliant. She was under strict orders to take it easy and not overwork herself and especially not her powers. Normally she was never one for listening long. Her refusal to just roll over is what pulled her and her team out of numerous issues over their lives, but for Jean to not be charging right at the Do Not Enter sign was odd. Suspicious, even.

With the dinner hour long past and the mansion settled into that pre-bed quiet of everyone slowly dispersing to their rooms, the footsteps passing outside the office of one Charles Xavier stands out. They're originating from the heavy front door which closes with slow, meticulous intent so as not to thump closed. It's Jean, who's shrugging out of her wool peacoat to drape it over one shoulder. She's got her shoes in the other hand as she takes them off so as not to track the late winter muck in.

Professor X has posed:
These hours are usually when Charles manages to get the most work done on things outside the school. Working on articles and papers, correspondence that dealt with his other pursuits outside education and mutant rights in particular. It was a quiet time as the students were getting settled in after their more rambunctious evening activities in the rec or music room.

He usually didn't close his office during this time, keeping it open just in case there is a member of faculty or a student needing a private moment and not wanting everyone to see them go visit him. Sometimes people didn't want the speculation that might surround going to the man the school was named after. More so students sometimes felt that pressure of secrecy to talk to a Headmaster about a problem. It might not even be school related, but more life or about the world outside. He did his best to help them. His calling.

Hearing the door closing, it was automatic to pinge who was coming in. Just to see who it is without taking the time to move his chair to the office door and look. Not digging, just to get that flash of who was there. It was a mind that was familiar. And foreign. It was also someone he had been hoping to speak with so this was the perfect moment.

"Jean?" he called out verbally. "Do you have a moment?"

Phoenix has posed:
She's aware of that subtle awareness every bit as much as she is with his presence. Telepaths are nosey, it's just how it is, even when it's entirely subconscious. Jean is already pulling a faint face before he speaks. She'd seen his light on, it was a fat chance she'd succeed in sneaking past him tonight anymore than she failed the countless times since she first walked through that door. It's the same face too, but she's gotten better at hiding it. Hiding a lot, as it were. She learned from the best.

"Yeah, of course." Jean says in her best I-wasn't-making-that-face voice as she sets her shoes down on the mat and her coat on the guest hook before she makes her way into the familiar office and nudges the door closed once she's in there.

"You better not be working on all of the things you told me not to." She adds gently, the sentiment behind it warm. "What's on your mind? I didn't hear any alarms or see anything smoking, so I figure everyone behaved while I was out for a walk."

Professor X has posed:
As she calls out her answer, Charles has an affectionate smile in reaction. He is sure she is making that face. She made it when she was a student here quite often, especially when she was caught doing something. He knew it sometimes snuck out even to this day. It was amusing to think how some things didn't change. Comforting in some ways.

As she enters, his smile is warm and open. "I am not working on those things. I had some emails to reply to for an upcoming speech. A few articles I was working on for various publications." Ever the busy bee is he.

"Please, sit. Relax. No crisis. No emergencies. I just wanted to be sure your down time is...effective. How are you feeling?" True concern in his tone. While he cares for all his students, the truth is the original five are like his own children. They always have a special place in his heart.

Phoenix has posed:
There's a low noise in the back of Jean's throat as she sinks into one of the old, familiar chairs situated by his desk. "Sounds like fun." She remarks in a tone suggesting the exact opposite. "Clear one email, five more take its place. If only we could replicate vaccines and food and shelters at the same efficiency, we might have a fighting chance at world peace. At least until someone hits replyall."

As the concerns inevitably refocus to her, Jean raises a hand to massage the heel of her palm across her brow. "Restless. Bored. Aggravated. ...conflicted. Tired." She drops her hand down on her lap and tips her head back against the chair to glance at the contours of the ornately coffered ceiling. The words spill out of her before she even realizes she's talking. "I'm tired of not being able to do what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm tired of everyone needing me and I can't be there. I'm tired of feeling guilty because half of the time I don't want to be there. I'm tired of thinking I'm making the right decisions only to find out I'm doing the opposite and then people telling me that it all worked out for the best so stop worrying. What happens when it doesn't?"

Professor X has posed:
As she talks, Charles listens. It's one of his super powers. Perhaps his greatest one, beyond the telepathy. He actually cares. He listens actively, nodding here and there, eyes fully focused on the person speaking. He doesn't glance at a paper on his desk or flick his gaze to the glow of his computer screen that is such a siren call to most people when within range. It is every molecule focused on the person talking to him, that aura that seems to surround him showing he actually gives a damn. That was rare. Especially these days.

As she opens up, he let's her spill those feelings. Get it out. But at the last question, he answers simply. "We cope."

There is the faint sound of his chair as he reaches down to the control, rolling backwards a bit then back forward to come around the desk. It gets rid of that barrier between them, a strong psychological thing. "Jean, we can never be perfect. Any of us. We do our best, make decisions based on the facts we are presented. It is all that can be asked of anyone in the world." He stops a couple of feet from her. "When we make an error, we have to continue forward. We learn from it and don't make that mistake again. We've failed in the past. In the extreme when we have actually lost friends. We will fail in the future. To let it devour you with doubts will not help though." A faint sad smile. "Trust me, I know."

Then his expression shifts, furrowing of the brow at the center as he looks at her closely. "You've resisted going back to work far longer than usual. Normally, you would already be sneaking work into your room. But nothing seems to be missing from your desk so you have either gotten better at it or you are actually listening. Which is...odd for you."

Phoenix has posed:
Jean listens as he speaks, but she was never quite so good at him with that focus. Always in motion, thoughts always running six steps ahead. Fire can never stay in one place, not even in a chair. She hitches one leg up to rest her heel against the edge and loops her arms around it, possibly to keep it from bouncing.

"Well, I have your orders, and Scott making sure I'm listening to them and shoving me out of the house whenever possible, and I'm pretty certain he's even got Logan roped into spying on me and making sure that I'm listening." The brief bubble of amusement that touches her expressions falls just as quickly as it rises up.

"I only half remembered what happened, more emotions and thoughts than anything, but I checked the cameras from the Blackbird after. What happened out there." And then even that thoughtful expression on her face flakes away as her eyes turn on the man who's as much of a father as the man who sired her. Under the mask of calm and below the veneer of weariness, her green eyes are haunted and dark.

"What could have happened to all of them. At the safehouse, I thought I knew what could happen if things went wrong. What I did there? I- I should feel worse for killing those soldiers. I should feel more than just a little bad but mostly relieved and even... happy. I know we had to get those prisoners out at any cost, that enough mutants had suffered. But I saw what I did to those men and I just can't get the images out of my head, only I don't just see them. I see prisoners. I see the team. My students. My family. I see them turning to ash just because they stood in my way. For a few seconds, I felt like so much more. I felt... infinite. And everyone below me felt like nothing more than a few grains of sand on a beach."

Professor X has posed:
That was concerning. To say the least. He was fully aware that Jean was far different from before her believed death. They had talked some about it, about the other thing she felt was there inside. Sharing the space that was her. Not extensively. He had done his best not to pry but when they had shared information telepathically, he could feel it there. Whatever was inside with her was terrifyingly powerful. Beyond anything he had sensed before that.

"We all have our breaking points, Jean," he said gently. "A moment where things are so overwhelming that it makes us act out in emotion. Anger being one of the strongest and, unfortunately, most destructive. With power like we have, it is dangerous but it happens. While we are mutants, we are still human." He started to reach out a hand to place on her arm, to try to offer that comfort. But he stopped himself. That might be too placating, too pat-on-the-head feeling so he remains as he had been.

"You obviously are bothered by what you did. The emotions you are feeling now, the concern that you were not bothered. You wanted to free the prisoners, to protect people. While your method may have been more than you intended, you know that you have that in you now. You know it is something to be aware of and that is what will help those fears. It is something you will remain conscious of when around family, friends, students. As difficult as it is having taken those lives in that way, it is something that you will be able to grow from."

He considers the last words more carefully though then opts to broach it directly instead of tip-toeing. "Do you believe this has to do with the Force you carry now? More so than yourself?"

Phoenix has posed:
Jean's fingers tap restlessly against her leg like she was searching for an answer in the pattern. Given her initial silence, she seems to be coming up short. Her eyes drop away to some indistinct point near the corner of his desk.

"I've been angry at this for awhile, but it wasn't me being angry. When I got hit with the Cure, all of the chains came off. All of the barriers that I've built lost, and she came out."

She. Not it. Not the Force. She, spoken with the same familiarity as she'd talk about anyone in the building.

"But, I guess I was glad of it in a way. So many times I wanted to just put DAMT in their place, to show them we weren't some placid vermin to sweep away. I didn't. I hoped we could resolve this peacefully and for mutants who needed this to have an option. But they did exactly what I figured they would!" She says through gritting teeth and eyes that begin to well at the edges. "And I just wanted to rip them apart for having all of the chance in the world to do some good and causing nothing but pain instead. They didn't deserve the chance to make it worse. They deserved to know what it felt to be given that much pain and know they were nothing compared to us for all of their /science/."

She lets out a shaking breath as she swallows down the emotions and scrubs her wrist over an eye. "...I- I can't tell you where it comes from. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's her. Maybe we feel the same and she just speaks louder. I don't know. Before I left to first try and figure this out, I could tell you where the lines were. Where I was and where she was. Now, I don't know if I could find them. I talk to her, in my head. I wanted to learn more to try and know how to live with all of this. Her voice used to be so loud I couldn't even understand it. Now some days, it just sounds like I'm talking to myself."

Professor X has posed:
"I see."

Two words. Nothing more. Charles lets the information flow through his mind, trying to understand what she was going through. It was as though they had become more a gestalt being. Joined further where before they were somewhat at odds. It had been the Phoenix which had the power used to destroy in that fight. It was the Phoenix who had struck out, with all it's power and fury, fueled by the pain of the woman it was being channeled through. It felt her pain or perhaps it had the same pain. A perfect moment where they had the same thoughts, the same goals.

And everything burned.

"It seems you have come to some sort of terms. Reached a balance with her." Out of respect for Jean, he used her terms for the entity. Not it--her. "Found some common ground instead of trying to keep her contained. This is good." In some ways, but he doesn't add that verbally. "I know you have had difficulties coming to terms with sharing space with her in the past. Since you are communicating, perhaps that will allow us to understand what she is seeking with this union. Is it simply the experience? Being human? Or something more. In time, you may be able to answer all that." She might now but he leaves that to her to offer if she chooses.

Phoenix has posed:
"Well, I'm trying to." Jean elaborates with a shrug suggesting she feels more than a bit lost in the endeavor. "I remember is when I finally spoke to her the first time, she said I called her. That my desire above everything to protect and save those I cared about is what drew her. But I'm not the first. This has happened before, but... but I'm something different. An egg. Power. She called me her perfect host."

She runs her hands back through her hair as she puts her leg back down, and then letting her palms smack against the arms as she looks back to Charles. "I can't grasp it. I'm trying, but I feel like I'm either missing something or I'm just too stupid to see it. She speaks in terms of Life and Death and the whole Cycle and of protecting it all. I told her I would help her and I thought I got it then, for that one second it all made sense, but now it feels like I keep grabbing at fog."

There's a tick before the question blurts out of Jean probably louder than she intended. "What /is/ the Phoenix?" It all erupts from there, the words coming out of her faster and faster and she's out of the chair partway through and beginning to pace. "I can't get a straight answer out of her, not that I can understand. It's like asking what a circle looks like but being told the answer in mathematical formulas. She's been here before, Professor. There has to be someone out there who knows what she is and why she's here. ...why /me/. We have to know. I have to know so I know what to do! I /need/ to make sense of this. Because maybe then I don't have to be afraid of myself. They don't have to be afraid of me. /Scott/ doesn't have to be afraid of me."

Ah. There it is.

Professor X has posed:
"I have not been able to fully determine the answer to what the Phoenix is precisely. There seems to be no reference to it directly. A few vague things in history that became perhaps the myth of the phoenix. But nothing specific. As you say, like grasping at fog. Or ash."

Charles watches her pacing, a habit he had at one time in life. It helped work off nervous energy. His current mode of transportation lacked that release sadly. But she had hit on the most important part of this conversation perhaps. The moment of revelation.

"Scott has always seen you as an equal. A peer. You balance him in many ways, perhaps the reason you have developed such a close bond. Your passion and life help draw that out of his guarded persona. Now perhaps he is feeling that he doesn't know you as well as he did. But it isn't you. It is this other part of you, your gestalt other."

He tries to consider possibilities then offers a suggestion. "Perhaps if you could arrange for the three of you to converse? It would allow him to see that she means you no harm and seems to be in synch with your emotional wishes. Perhaps she might even have some affection toward him in some way, so that might assauge any fears he has." Or it might completely backfire and make it worse. That's the part he doesn't say.

Phoenix has posed:
There's a grimace as Jean's pacing slowly and energy is redirected into consideration. "He seems happier pretending it's not there most of the time. I think he'd rather live his childhood over and over. He would, if someone told him right now that it would mean I could just be me again and it'd all be okay."

She lets out a noisy sigh and a wide-armed shrug. "He might do it. He'll hate it. He'll put on his best straight face where he's switching over into Mission Mode because he has to approach this like a battlefield because otherwise it's too personal and then he might screw up and you know he'll say yes in that /infuriating/ blank voice because it's me asking, and he'll hope that maybe he can get this to all just end because then we can get married and buy a house and pretend a whole lot easier that we're not freaking superheroes who will probably never live to be old. ...no offense."

She rubs her hands over her face again, that gesture that usually signals her trying to ward off a headache. "I'll ask him. It's something. I guess if he sees it as ten percent less of a monster under the bed then it's a start."

Professor X has posed:
"If you would like, I can order him to," Charles offers with a bit of humor. "Then he can hate me for it instead of you. At least at first. He will eventually see my wisdom and understand."

They know him perhaps too well.

"More proactively, I will reach out to some of my contacts. See if I can learn more about the Phoenix. Perhaps Lilandra will be of assistance."

Besides, it has been a very long time since he spoke with her. "We will work through this together, Jean. As we always do." He gave a moment then a brief nod. "And you can begin sneaking work out of your office again if it will help."

Phoenix has posed:
"Oh he'll know." Jean points out with a raise of her brows, the humor threatening to be infectious. "And he already sees it, even if he doesn't always agree with it. But then we wouldn't be very good kids if we didn't make you question your decision to bring us through those doors on a biweekly basis at minimum."

They already cost him any chance at hair again.

"I know." She says more quietly with a smile that she valiantly tries to put on. "I know we will. And thanks, for trying to give me the space to work through this... and forcing me to use it. I wouldn't have gotten this far without all of you."

And even if he hesitated to embrace her earlier, she doesn't. It's a few quick steps and she's sweeping down to give the man a tight hug. "...please." She mutters. "You know full well I've been spying on every meeting and peeking at Scott's paperwork. But I appreciate my password getting changed back so I can log in officially."

She releases him in due course and heads for the door, lingering at the frame for one last look. "Good night, Professor. And give Lilandra my best. Don't forget to take some time off for yourself too, don't go losing touch with the ones that matter." She adds with a knowing smile before excusing herself from the office.