1450/The Air-Quotes Graduate

The Air-Quotes Graduate
Date of Scene:	13 July 2017
Location:	Unknown
Synopsis:	Summary needed
Cast of Characters:	Human Torch, Invisible Woman, She-Hulk

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Human Torch has posed:
Place: Four Freedoms Plaza, F4 Family Recreation Room
Time: Noon

"No... I love YOU more..."

Beep! Beep! Smash! Death Sounds!

"No... no... I love YOU more..."

Explosion! Gurgling! More Death Sounds!

"Okay, FINE, you love me more! Honestly, I don't blame you..."

Crash! Another, Different Explosion! Sad Beeping Noises...

"Dammit!"

A plastic video game console controller sails across the room as The Human Torch gets his spine ripped out of his body and stomped on by Squirrel Girl and several of her most vicious-looking squirrels.

Nearly twenty feet away, the actual Human Torch has turned so red that it looks like he might actually flame on at any moment, as he curses the terrible luck which has brought his onscreen avatar to a pretty gruesome end.

"No, no, no... not you babe! I just died again in this stupid game and now the squirrels are pulling my eyes out of their sockets! Man... I'm not convinced that this game should only be rated T for Teen."

Sitting on the couch in a set of wrinkled Spider-Man pajamas, Johnny has his feet propped up on one of the kids' bean bag chairs, with a pair of Thing Feet Slippers dangling precariously from his toes. A couple of beer bottles and an assortment of chips are scattered in the general vicinity of the couch. Most of the chips are still contained in the bag, or resting on Johnny's chest or lap.

"Speaking of graphic, I thought maybe I'd come by and see you after your shift at the hospital is over. What? Your shift at the hospital."

Long silence.

"You don't work at the hospital?"

Animated squawking sounds.

"OH! I know what happened! I thought you were Julie SANDERSON, but you're Julie S. ANDERSON. Sorry, Boo, but I'mma hang up now..."

Human Torch has posed:
The Sailing Controller is caught, mid-air, by something, and floats back to where Johnny is. That is, until a blonde haired woman fades into existence behind Johnny as he hangs up. "You know, Johnny......if you didn't go after every woman you met, you might be able to keep track of their names better."

Human Torch has posed:
Catching the controller, Johnny sets it in his lap with the chip crumbs and drops his phone on top of the other kid-sized bean bag chair. The pink one.

"Thanks, Sue. That's some great advice, which I promise to take to heart. By the way, do you think maybe you could make me some pancakes real quick while you're up?"

Picking the controller back up, Johnny goes back to the character select screen. He selects himself again, but this time he uses one of the alternate character skins that shows him having slightly spikier hair. "Damn. I forgot how cool I looked with a soul patch."

Human Torch has posed:
Sue smacks Johnny on the side of the head. "Fix them yourself, smartalec." She says with a groan. "when didja get back? she says walking around the couch."

Right about then, a 4 year old, blonde girl runs into the room and tackles Johnny. "UNCA JOHNNY!" And Sue smirks a bit. "And there's why I'm not fixing your food. it's dinner time for her."

Human Torch has posed:
"But... but..." Johnny is already in the middle of one of his trademarked Storm Pouts when he gets tackled by someone who has truly elevated the trick into an art form. The pout is dispelled instantly, as he wrestles with his much smarter niece. Fortunately, he can still beat her at wrestling (for now) or she'd basically do nothing but humble brag every time she talked to him.

"Val! How's my favorite niece?"

"Guess what!? Guess what!?"

"What's up, kiddo?"

I'm experimenting with a new polyphasic sleep cycle! I based the experiment on old research conducted on prisoners during the Kree Cold War!!!"

Johnny easily pins the four year old, but lets her up when she tries to bite him.

"Oh... I flew in last night, Sis. I figured I'd spend a little more time here. You know, try to earn that World's Best Uncle mug that you guys never gave me."

Stealing the controller from him, Val looks condescendingly at Johnny.

"Mom! I think Unca Johnny flunked out of college again!"

Human Torch has posed:
Sue sighs softly. "And I think she hit the nail on the head." She then shakes her head. "Ah well....better that you're here anyways. Once Reed, Ben and Jenn come in, we'll have to take a trip to outer space. We've picked up a rather large ship near the watchtower, and I'd like to see if it's friendly."

Human Torch has posed:
"You little turd! I didn't flunk out..."

Valeria looks at her uncle even more condescendingly. "Oh. Right. You 'Graduated' again..." She holds her fingers up like a short, blonde Nixon making peace signs, and curls the fingers twice.

"Don't you use sarcastic air quotes! I didn't flunk! I just... can't go back ever again."

He sounds a bit bashful about it, but it doesn't seem that he is too terribly concerned about flunking out of college again. After all, he's got forty million Pinstagram followers.

"Mom, can I go on the mission instead of Unca Johnny? 'I' never flunked out of anything..."

"Okay! That's it! You're gonna get it!" Johnny picks up the other controller and once again selects himself. "Choose your fighter, Val, and prepare for absolute BURNINATION!"

Valeria goes through the character selection screen, and makes her choice, only for Johnny to erupt in a fit of protest!

"NO! Not Squirrel Girl! That's cheating!"

Sulking, Valeria moves the cursor. "Fine then... I'll beat you with Captain Marvel."

Invisible Woman has posed:
    Sue smirks as Valeria does her entire argument for her. "have fun you two. I'll go and make dinner." She says with a chuckle. She HAS learned to cook pretty well in the past few years, despite distractions.

Human Torch has posed:
"Captain Marvel is ALSO cheating!"

This goes on for some time, until Valeria has finally selected a character that Johnny is pretty sure that he can beat. The announcer's voice starts up, as the characters square off across the screen.

"The Human Torch! Versus! Paste-Pot Pete!"

"Round One: FIGHT!"

Twenty seconds later, Johnny has thrown his controller at the television once again. "It's no fair! He's got those PASTE POTS!"

Valeria runs away cackling to help her mom in the kitchen.

"Sue! Tell your daughter to stop cheating! I know she rigged the software again, and that's illegal!"

Invisible Woman has posed:
    "Valeria didn't rig the softward, Johnny. She's just better than you at video games." Sue says before telling Valeria to get some utensils for her. Apparently she's making a really big dinner for them all, including Jen. "You do realize she's just great at things....right?"

Human Torch has posed:
"Whatever. This game sucks anyways."

Pushing the button in the center of the controller, Johnny turns off the console and switches on the television. Flipping idly through channels, Johnny reaches around on the floor for his half-finished beer. "Wait a second... why are you guys having dinner so early? Is this part of that... polyester sleep system?"

Invisible behind one of the counters in the kitchen, Valeria calls back. "You forgot to reset your watch. It's actually almost six!"

"Oh snap!" Johnny stands up quickly, and a shower of chip crumbs fall from his pajamas and onto the floor. He doesn't seem to notice. "I haven't updated anything on Pinstagram in almost thirteen hours! Sue! I need to take a selfie with you and Val while you're cooking!"

Grabbing his phone, Johnny scrambles toward the kitchen, his oversized Thing Feet Slippers flopping as he to run.

Invisible Woman has posed:
    Sue looks at Johnny and blinks. "Really? You consider that important, Johnny?" She says with a laugh. "If you do, Then Valeria joins in...and she gets up front."

Human Torch has posed:
Holding the phone out as far as it'll go, Johnny gets close to Sue and Val while also trying to keep as much of the meal in the shot as possible.

"Okay, girls, get your duck faces on!" Johnny has pretty much mastered the selfie duck face. Six years of frequent practice have totally paid off.

"One! Two! Three! And... that's a wrap!"

Johnny quickly posts the picture to his Pinstagram, with the following caption...

"Making dinner for my two favorite girls and some of our awesome superhero friends. #selflessness #whosayscookingdoesntcountasscience #followyourdreams #checkoutmyathleticapparelatfinestoreseverywhere"

Invisible Woman has posed:
Susan Storm-Richards stares at Johnny. "You are so full of crap, Johnny!" She says with a groan.

Human Torch has posed:
"Hey, don't hate on me just because you're still on Spacebook. I've got an adoring public to satisfy."

Johnny slides his phone into the pocket of his Spider-Man pajamas. Only then does he seem to realize what he's still wearing. "Uh-oh! Did you say that Jen was coming over for dinner? You meant Jen-Hulk, right? Not Jen, your boring friend from the city planning committee?"

She-Hulk has posed:
Apparently so! Because just about then, in comes the Gamma-green Gal that is the Sensational She-Hulk. She walks in, and gives a smile. "Heya, fam! How's it going?" She says, looking over...and then doubletaking. "Johnny, what the heck are you wearing?"

Invisible Woman has posed:
    "Yup, I meant Jen-hulk." Sue says just as Jen walks in the door. "JEN!" She yells JUST before a little four year old runs ovr and tackles Jen's leg. "Auntie Jen! Guess what guess what! I beat Johnny on a video game, and I got mommy interviewed by a reporter from the Daily planet!" She's practically bouncing.

The food smells great too. Ham, whipped potatoes, kale, and home made macncheez.

Human Torch has posed:
"What? This? This is the outfit I always wear when I'm cooking dinner." Editor's Note: Johnny has contributed literally nothing to the meal so far, but that's apparently not going to stop him from trying to take credit for it.

"You should see the She-Hulk boxers I'm wearing underneath it. Maybe after dinner. On a related note... where's that bottle of wine I sent you guys from Arizona, Sue?"

She-Hulk has posed:
    Jen double-takes. "Okay. A. If you're wearing boxers with me on them, that's really disturbing. B. If they're /making/ boxers with me on them, I need a bigger cut." She bends down and scoops up little Valeria. "Heya, smidget. Beating Uncle Johnny's butt, huh?" She leans in and whispers "conspiratorially" (as in, not really, but playing along) to Valeria. "He needs it sometimes."

    Keeping Valeria scooped up, she looks over to Sue. "Dinner smells fabulous, Sue. Reed and Ben around too? Or is it just us tonight?"

Invisible Woman has posed:
    "Reed's in his lab, I think. I could probably drag him out sometime, and I don't think Ben'll be by. he's over at Alicia's right now, making up for lost time." Sue says with a smile. "Hey Jen. Did you know there is a ship up near the Watchtower. yes, I mean in space."

Human Torch has posed:
"Nah. I'm kidding. Everybody knows Johnny Storm goes commando, amirite?"

Johnny sorts through the array of wine bottles placed strategically high enough to keep people under four feet tall from reaching them. However, he frowns as he doesn't seem to find the one he was looking for.

"Don't tell me you already drank it... the one with the picture of the naked chick and the motorcycle on the label? The guy at the gas station said it had a really smooth pallette."

Invisible Woman has posed:
    "Likely it was those two hackers we had here a couple of months back. Tried to get into Reed's files, and prolly drank that wine too. Well...I got 'em back. Made one of them barf."

She-Hulk has posed:
    Jen facepalms. "I did not need to know that, Johnny. I so didn't." And since her head is well over most, she gives him a Look, eyes rolling down towards Valeria as if to add "neither did she".

    She looks to Sue after that. "No, no! Don't interrupt him in his lab. Either you'll be in there so long that things will burn while you try, or he'll be so distracted that it won't matter anyway." She nods towards the kitchen. "Anything I can do to lend a hand?"

Human Torch has posed:
"Yeah, we don't need Mister Floppy up here ruining this whole romantic vibe we've got going on. Because you know he'd totally kill the vibe, right Jen?" Johnny stands suggestively closer, a trio of wine glasses in his hand. He might come across as a more serious romantic option if he didn't come up to Jen's shoulder. And... if he wasn't wearing pajamas with little pictures of Spider-Man all over them.

"Speaking of which, let's get H.E.R.B.I.E. to play my dinner soundtrack. HEY! DJ H.E.R.B.I.E.! Put on 'Johnny's Classic Rock Mix!'

Over the building's speaker system, the sweet sweet sounds of Nickleback, circa 2004, start emanating.

Invisible Woman has posed:
    "He'll be out, don't worry." Sue says with a smile. 'Come on Jen, I could use an extra set of hands." Sue says just as Johnny calls out for HERBIE to play his soundtrack.

When that happens, it's very apparent that someone has been very naughty.

Suddenly, HERBIE Comes into the room and, instead of playing Johnny's music, all he hears is the a robotic 'FUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUKFUK' as Herbie wheels into, and out of the room.

And Valeria is out of Jen's arms and running for the elevator.

She-Hulk has posed:
    Jen nods. She moves to put Valeria down, and then starts over to help out Susan. And then the curse-bot comes rolling into and through the room. "What the..." She looks from HERBIE to Johnny, then back to Sue. "Did she just..." She blinks, and can't help but grin. "And that's why I'm glad to be /Auntie/ Jen. I get to not have to take responsibility on things like that."

Human Torch has posed:
Standing with empty wine glasses in his hand, and a bottle of actual wine (as opposed to the bottle that he bought for Reed and Sue as a gift, which was... sketchy) resting on the counter, Johnny looks... confused.

"This isn't classic rock. What is it, drum and bass?"

Slowly, Johnny starts to nod his head in an attempt to keep time with the 'beat'.

"Actually... I kind of dig it."

Invisible Woman has posed:
    "VALERIA!" Sue yells....but She's gone. And sue rolls her eyes. "ugh." She groans. "I'll let her have it when she comes for dinner." She says with a sigh. "Oh well. Let's set the table Jen, and then we'll eat...."