7845/The Bitter Watches of the Night

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The Bitter Watches of the Night
Date of Scene: 12 June 2019
Location: Residential Suites - The Triskelion
Synopsis: Summary needed
Cast of Characters: Winter Soldier, Peggy Carter




Winter Soldier has posed:
So, Bucky's actually a pretty decent room-mate. He keeps it clean, all there is of it - kitchen and living room, which are all one open area, more or less, with the kitchen counter at the end. The only personal touches in the public area are the dog bed by the plain gray sofa, and the little dog toy box at its other end. Buck may own very few things that aren't clothes or weapons, but Lili, on the other hand, is enormously spoiled.

There is, however, only one bathroom, large enough that it's divided into two parts. The outer that connects to the hall has two sinks and storage, plenty of storage, as well as separate tub and shower. The water closet, so to speak, is divided into its own little room.

And it's the wee hours of the night that has feet thumping past Peg's bedroom door, followed a moment later by the click of claws, and the sound of someone being violently sick in said bathroom. Though supersoldiers are supposed to be proof against all illness, aren't they?

Peggy Carter has posed:
Sleeping hasn't really been easy since everything happened. She's still not really dealt with losing everyone. She's not looked for the files on her husband or kids, not just dove into the pain she knows is going to be there. At least she's taken a few steps to staying here, let Bucky take her out to a few stores and she even found some vintage shops herself to get things she's comfortable in. She got that care package from Steve and has been reading the modern history book he gave her. She keeps training at SHIELD. She's settling into the swing of some sort of life even if there are so many other things locked away.

The sound of someone being up does make her slightly jerk awake. Fully awake, that is. She was half dozing, half fighting uncomfortable thoughts, so it's no surprise that's enough to jar her. The other sounds, however... That's enough to get her out of bed. She picked up some night clothes she's more comfortable wearing -- a cream satin night gown and matching robe to tie over top with red piping all around it. It's enough to cover her body but still gives hints of the very nice curves beneath, isntead of the shapeless sweats she'd been wearing. She grabs that robe, tying it drowsily around her waist as she ducks her head out of her bedroom.

"...James?" She echoes gently, not pushing into the bathroom, but her sleep-raw voice is lined with clear concern.

Winter Soldier has posed:
The quality of the silence that follows is confused, somehow, for a beat or two. Then there's the clicking of claws again, and Lili noses out of the bathroom. She brightens visibly on spotting Peggy, wagging her tail hopefully. This human is a friend and will surely help.

Buck's voice is thick, but not slurred. "'s all right, Peg," he says, quietly. "Just a...bad dream." Which is no doubt far too tame a term for whatever he just came out of, but he seems to know where he is and when, at least. Lili withdraws back into the bathroom.

Peggy Carter has posed:
"I'm... going to put on some tea. Seems like it's a night for them." The fact he's able to respond and that Lili is out, but then going back in without being frantic, that tells Peggy enough that she doesn't think she needs to barge in there. She does take a second to reach down and give Lili a reassuring scratch behind her ears, as if to say she was here and would help, but then lets her return to the sick man in the bathroom.

Peggy's voice shows enough concern and she's clearly awake, so he's also not alone in whatever he's going through. "You... would you like anything else, Buck?" She calls a touch more gently, leaning against the wall outside of the bathroom, not quite disappearing yet for that tea but also not totally intruding.

Winter Soldier has posed:
"Please," he says. "In the pantry, there's ginger-mint tea. Would you start some for me?" The kettle's electric and lives on the kitchen counter. There are a lot of ginger based preparations in said pantry, including said tisane.

A few minutes later, Lili emerges and goes for her toybox, lifting off its top and rummaging until she finds her favorite chewbone. Then she goes back to the bathroom. A little after that, James himself emerges. He was apparently sleeping in a white t-shirt and dark blue sleep shorts, with a charcoal colored robe over all of it. Bare feet - he doesn't own slippers, it seems. His hair's loose, down around his shoulders, which is not something she's seen before, and he's still green around the gills, pale eyes red-rimmed. "Thanks," he says quietly, as Lili keeps careful pace beside him.

Peggy Carter has posed:
"Of course, Buck... I'll be done soon." She can't entirely hide the depths of worry in her soft, clipped tone, but then there is the soft clap of bare feet walking away as she heads for the kitchen to get the exact special tea he wants. Tea is essential for a Brit, so the eletric kettle was one of the first things she really learned how to use in the apartment and now it's a full time part of her life, like she never really even used a stovetop one.

She fills it and sets the thing to start boiling, before setting out two mug and putting the tea proper in them to wait for hot water. Then she leans against the edge of the counter, staring down the hall and trying not to helicopter worry, but she's tempted to go back down there. Fortunately, he's coming out a few minutes later, Lili near stuck to his side. A weak smile crosses Peggy's lips, "Well...you're looking a little more mint and less chartruse... " She offers, almost teasing, but the veil of worry behind the words doesn't totally disappear with the jest.

Winter Soldier has posed:
His smile is weary, curled around the edges, but still *his*, not forced. Heavy-lidded eyes, and he settles on the couch with a kind of heavy bonelessness. He's not as big as Steve, but he's plenty big - heavier than the lithe boy she knew. "Feeling a little better," he says, looking to her. "I, uh, have nightmares about the stuff I went through." As if she couldn't guess. "Sorry to have woken you up. It's usually only one a night - I'll take my meds when I've had enough tea to settle things down."

How many nights did he finish with his face pressed to the cold tile of the bathroom floor, Lili beside him?

Peggy Carter has posed:
"It's...okay. I've had a few myself in my life..." Even more lately, but it wasn't about her right now. Still, there is no judgment in her dark eyes, only understanding and worry as she watches him a moment longer before turning away to pour the tea into steeping. She makes it proper and careful, a slow pour to let the hot water open up the leaves as it goes in. She looks incredibly like her old self, in those robes and with her hair down in soft waves. He could be staring at a picture out of the 40s or 50s if it wasn't for the modern appliances around her.
"You didn't wake me. I wasn't really asleep... Glad I could be up to make tea." And then she's carrying both cups over to the couch. She carefully perches them on the edge of the coffee table before settling down next to him. Not across the room or in a chair, but close enough for the side of her hip to brush his.

Winter Soldier has posed:
That's a gift, in and of itself...that she's not obviously gunshy of him, despite what he's done to her and hers. That same little smile, as he lets his tea steep, deepening the lines around his eyes.

"Having trouble sleeping, too?" he asks. "Docs'll help you, if you want." Though there was chamomile tea in the pantry, first line of defense.

Peggy Carter has posed:
Not gunshy in the least. Other than that very first moment, when she didn't know what was going on and his was the first face she saw? That was the only time. Since then, since explanations and conversations, she's been closer than ever. Like both of them had so much shit and baggage to put behind them she's had almost an easier time starting over with Bucky than anyone else. So, she settles there, comfortably against him. Her arm stretches across the back of the couch, a silent invitation if he wants to tuck in closer without actually pushing a hug or deeper contact onto him.

"Just... a bit. It's nothing. No need to bother the doctor. Just need more work, is all." She clips out with a half smile, still so much caught in that old work ethic and brush it under the rug, don't talk about issues. It's going to be a hard habit to break. "...You...care to talk about it? The dream? Get it out in the open so it can... fade better, maybe?"

Winter Soldier has posed:
He's the one who tends to keep himself closed in, body language tight, careful. As if mere touch from him might hurt her. A glance at that arm is amused, though. He knows that trick of old and has even used it, if in different contexts. But he does consent to edge a little closer. Peggy's safe.

Now there's a certain fond tolerance in the smile. "I won't hassle you into going to the doctor," he says, slowly. "But if you're really having trouble sleeping, consider it. And remember, Carter, this is me you're talking to. I know you, and I officially give you permission to abandon the Ancient Code of Englishwomen Abroad long enough to actually tell me if you need help." He raises his human hand in a little gesture, like a priest granting absolution. "I'm no mere American, after all, but an old comrade in arms, remember? and pour encourager les autres, yes, I'll tell you. At least in general terms."

He takes a deep breath. Despite his own attempts at gentle flippancy, the shadow of the dream is still on him. Then he says, "I dream....I dream of some of the things they were doing to me when they first had me, and I was just an experimental subject. Not even the Soldier yet, they hadn't begun that conditioning. In some ways, that time was worse..." He pauses, takes another careful breath, and rallies as Lili rests her head on his knee. "Because the Soldier.....he was just a construct, but he had structure. He didn't know much, but he knew his purpose. When they brought meback and I couldn't remember anything, didn't know who I was....there was no context. No way to....to find a place in myself that could bear it, or understand. I was just something that suffered."

Peggy Carter has posed:
The commentary about the Ancient Code of Englishwoman Abroad gets a leveled look and a somewhat deeper smirk from Peggy. He's probably one of the only people who can call her on it, not be wrong, and DARES to do so, but she couldn't really argue with what he was saying. She just gives a little bit of a very British huff and settles deeper into the couch, tucking her legs up under her the opposite way of how he has his. Still, she doesn't remove her arm. "I'll keep it in mind..." British for 'That's nice, but I'm fine...' but at least she's not totally ignoring him.

Then he dares lead by example and actually opens up a bit about the dream. Any dismissiveness of her expression falls away softly as she looks him over, listening with that tempered, worried frown. Her arm shifts, not quite around him now, but bringing her free hand down to lightly brush against the outside of his shoulder and upper arm. A reassuring touch without being a hug. A reminder her's not alone, even if he went through hell then. "... If... gods, James, if I'd only known... If I somehow realized before it was too late, you know we'd have come hunting for you. I'd have torn down every last bloody building they had, looking..."

Winter Soldier has posed:
Which he translates, and the smile is more amused than ever, for a beat or two. "I know," he says, and he's serious. "I know you would've. As far as everyone knew, I was dead. And I did die, really. Turns out that because of the serum, I froze to death on the river's edge before I could bleed out. It actually prevented more damage happening. Enough so that I could be revived...." A shiver goes through him at the memory. The perpetual cold of cryo, of the echoing halls in Siberia...

Peggy Carter has posed:
"...That is both bloody awful and... a horrible relief. Because if you hadn't, we... couldn't be sitting here today. You and Steve wouldn't have had this second chance. But..." Peggy exhales slowly, actually considering the words between them and the horrible weight of history behind it all. "... but to go through all of that. I... I won't say it wasn't worth it. Because I'd not exchange time with you for anything... but..." Possibly it wasn't worth it. One of those impossible things to figure. She squeezes his shoulder instead and then gently lets go, folding forward to scoop up her tea and pull out the strainer into the little saucer she brought over with the cups. SHe'd not dare let it over brew and get bitter.

Winter Soldier has posed:
He turns his hands, as if he had no good answer for it. It's the wee hours of the morning and his defenses are down, but he's not so far gone as to confess the bitterest of thoughts that come to him, when he's alone in his bed. Where he wishes that he had died in the Alps and stayed dead, a name on cenotaphs and in books of military history, not a live problem with a tarnished legacy.

He takes his cue from her, picks up the up and removes the teabag. No sugar added, before he takes a mouthful. "What abot you?" he asks, gently. No real force behind it. She has permission to palm him off, if she wants.

Peggy Carter has posed:
"What... about me?" Peggy asks with a slightly lofted brow, not deliberately being obtuse, but it's late and she's not entirely certain what he's asking. There's a million things going on in her head, most of which she doesn't fully want to face. "I simply can't...sleep. Spend twenty years sleeping five...six hours the most at night, working 14 a day, if not more. Getting SHIELD going was... a project. Keeping it going even worse. Getting through Korea and Vietnam... Most nights I wasn't home for dinner. You learn to exhaust yourself and then just sort of shut off when you collapse..."

A ghost of a smile crosses her unpainted, pale pink mouth. So rare to see her without lipstick. It all makes her look softer, somehow. More real. More human. "You remember what it was like. Being able to sleep where you stood sometimes, being so tired in the back of those dueces... A twenty minute nap was a blessing. Now... I lay down and I feel like I haven't done a damn thing all day. There is no reason to be tired..." And a thousand things she doesn't want to see when she shuts her eyes.

Winter Soldier has posed:
That pale gaze lingers on her face for a long while. "I forget that you had a whole life after the war, sometimes. I mean....on the gut level. YOu look so close to how you were last I saw you that...it's hard to kind of grasp that you did all that." It's as he said to Steve - the kind of hell she's going through is worse than theirs, for with the exception of Peg herself, and the Commandos, no one remained to mourn them. No wives, no family.

But he nods. "I remember. I honestly....I miss being able to be that tired. I can almost never get there. I get tired in other ways..." She's seen it, how people, this modern world, overwhelm him. Thank goodness for the dog. "You should swim," he says, suddenly. "It tires you in different ways, makes you relax. I do it....it's harder to do than it was. The arm isn't really made for it, so it's good for me to practice it a lot."

Peggy Carter has posed:
"...After that last time I met ... " She was about to say 'You', but she stops herself. Dark eyes lift to meet Bucky's pale gaze, no fear or shying away. "...The Soldier," Not Bucky. That is a very clear difference in her head, "He really did nearly kill me. Should have been certain. Fury... he... had some strange serum he was testing. Experimental, at the time. I think he's refined it since, but... I got the first dose. Was enough to keep me going. It didn't exactly turn me into Steve but... apparently it stopped some sort of aging." She explains softly. People had to have noticed, even back then, that she did not look a woman of fifty.

"...Daniel never said anything about it. Just was happy I was alive, he said. We never talked about it, even as he turned gray..." A slight shrug of her shoulders. Thinking about him still wasn't somewhere she could dive deep. "...Maybe swimming. I like the bags here. It's good to hit things."

Winter Soldier has posed:
Buck nods again. She gets it. "I....thought he did," he says. "And that the note in your file about you vanishing was just....someone covering it up." As if the Soldier were entirely another entity, like a possessing demon, a dark spirit. The Doppleganger.

Now it's his turn to pat her gently on the arm, as Lili looks to her. He doesn't ask about Daniel. That has to be a wound still tender, still raw. "Yeah, I do like that, too."

Peggy Carter has posed:
Peggy absolutely gets it. She wouldn't be able to sit with him here, in nothing but her night gown and robe, if she didn't. But there hasn't been a hesitation since that first day. Even speaking about the soldier in the third person, it's better. More distancing and more honest. "No. He was close but... I pulled through. So, you can take whatever weight that is off your shoulders. It wasn't you anyway." Said like it was a totally separate human being. Because, in her mind, it was.

The moving onto slightly happier subjects, like how to exhaust oneself, makes a smile slightly quirk across her pale mouth. "We should... spar sometime. Get old things out of our blood, keep in shape. It's not the same as the bags... it's better. Bags don't fight back. I feel like I'm going to be rusty the moment I get in the field.."

Winter Soldier has posed:
Steve's made the same argument. But....it was his hands bloodied, his body used as a weapon. His memories of the bodies falling....well, stored in his head, anyhow. He doesn't bother to argue, or deny. There's just that shadow behind the blue eyes.

"Maybe," his voice is noncommital. It's not like Steve, where he can rough-house. Peg is Peg, and above all that nasty boy stuff.

Peggy Carter has posed:
It's like she can read his mind, as she tosses a dark eyed look at him and a slightly deeper smirk, "Is it because you don't want to fight again after the last few times we... Went face to face, or because I'm a woman and therefore clearly don't do that rough and tumble wrestling that you boys do, hm?" Of course, she barely did in the war. She was still in high heels and a skirt when they all got their uniforms, even if hers was brown with rank and SSR pins as well. It was still a woman's uniform and made for being behind a desk. The few times she came out to actually spar, the boys tended to be more than a bit shocked. "...You remember that other James who was with us a while? Howlett? He never complained about a good spar."

Winter Soldier has posed:
"Both," he says, after a beat. "To be honest. I....yeah." No hemming and hawing and denying. That's one of the things he's left behind, trying to pretend.

Then there's that crooked version of the grin. "He's still around, did you know? He's got something like our formulae in him. HE was there this last winter when they had me try to murder Steve again. He nearly carved me up like a Thanksgiving turkey."

Peggy Carter has posed:
That makes her blink in surprise. "...Really? Howlett? I'll be damned... He was always a good row to have. Even smuggled me some boxing tape ones. My knuckles were in his debt." Peggy isn't even joking, a strange smile coming across her face at the though they weren't ENTIRELY the only ones left. Even if James had been a passing stranger in the night compared to Bucky and Steve. "...Well, I'm glad he held off the Winter Soldier, but... also that you two didn't completely kill each other. I don't know who I'd have put money on if I had to." Fortunately, she never has nad never will.

Then her expression grows a touch more serious as he admits it's not just that she's a girl that he doesn't want to fight. "...when you're up for it, we... We should try. Get the old stuff behind us. I know it wasn't you. You know it wasn't you. We can train and work together without it being about that."

Winter Soldier has posed:
"Yeah. Even Winter had sense enough to be wary of him. He's even harder to kill than me or Steve, and that's sayin' somethin'," Buck agrees, with real fervor in his voice. "Hand to hand, toe to toe, he'd carve me up."

Then Buck pauses a beat, and nods. "We can try." The question is who'll shy off in unease first.

Peggy Carter has posed:
That agreement seems to be enough. Peggy gives a small nod. "Good. A try...it's all I ask. But..." She gives a half chuckle, "Not tonight. What we BOTH should try is sleep. Take your meds... give it a go again. I'll do the same." She squeezes the man's knee one last time before she carefully unfolds from the couch. Then she's reaching over to Lili to give her ears a gentle ruffle as well. "You get some sleep, Lili, too. Make certain he actually closes his eyes." Peggy teases lightly.

Winter Soldier has posed:
She wuffs at Peggy, as if in complete understanding. Managing the metal human is a full-time task, yes, it is. Buck grins. "That's right," he says... not arguing. Who is he and what has he done with Bucky Barnes.

Lili licks her hand, affectionately, and then turns encouragingly towards the bedroom.

Peggy Carter has posed:
Bedroom for all of them. Peg pauses, leaning over to hug Bucky one last time. "Sweeter dreams. For both of us." She murmurs against the side of his head. Then she's padding over to the kitchen to put her tea cup in the sink, and back off to bed. Maybe it'll work this time.