7611/It's like.. A Bag of Pineapples

It's like.. A Bag of Pineapples
Date of Scene:	24 May 2019
Location:	Backyard - Avengers Mansion
Synopsis:	Wade brings Spider-Man to the Avengers lawn for him to vomit. Or get recruited. It's messy.
Cast of Characters:	Deadpool, Spider-Man, Captain America

---

Deadpool has posed:
Deadpool did promise to put Spider-Man back. As in, back in the city of New York.

NOT in Canada. That was the important part. NOT CANADA.

However, the teleporter was low on charge. So other events needed to occur before the teleporting ride could. Now, though? Another try has ended in success!

Well, success depending on your definition of success. In this case, arrival in the back yard of the Avengers' mansion. Which means that all of the security flips out right away: droids from nowhere, alarms, all the rest of it. That, plus the likely nausea of the teleporting travel itself that is often inflicted on Deadpool's passengers? It's going to be a rough day.

Fortunately, Deadpool also brought the bright orange puke bucket. It drops to the grass as they arrive. "Wooooow, stay behind me, honey; I'll take a bullet for you," Deadpool assures Spidey.

Spider-Man has posed:
Walking back from Starling looked more favorable with each moment Pete spent watching Just Friends on Deadpool's couch.

That general feeling that a mistake was made does not subside simply because Wade assures him that the teleporter is ready. If anything, it's only made the situation worse. Sirens and security, that over powering feeling of nausea welling in his gut that brings him to his knees where he clutches, heck even Deadpool offering to take a bullet for him.

Spidey hurts from the fight with a Prius hours earlier, it beat up and dirty from being thrown through a building, and smells like really unpleasant things... he is in no condition to be at Avengers Mansion where he should not be anyways and if he weren't actively trying to keep from puking he would stress that fact vehemently.

"I hate you." At least he can get that out.

It needed saying.

Captain America has posed:
"JARVIS! Stand down, override First Avenger."

That's one hell of a voice carrying from on the patio. Around the corner of the (replaced) decorative and potted foliage strides a blond man built to the proposed and perfected standards of military prowess. He's in jeans and a t-shirt along with his boots and by his expression, he's unamused right off the bat.

"Wade, what in the..." Steve's voice falls out as he looks around Deadpool at the other fully-suited individual behind him on his knees, appearing as if he's going to be ill. "Explain this," the Captain then adds, sounding tired.

Deadpool has posed:
"He doesn't feel so good," Deadpool says, as if that explained everything.

Deadpool moves towards Spidey with a worried 'expression' on his mask, bending over some to drop hands to his knees, and look closely towards Spidey's face, in very real concern. He then grabs the bucket, and sort of puts it more precisely under where Spider-man is standing in distress. "We're back in New York, buddy," Deadpool assures him, and then lifts a thumbs up where Spider-Man (probably) can't see, aimed at Captain America.

Everything is going great, according to plan, obviously.

Spider-Man has posed:
That voice though.

"Y-.." Pete groans and has to lift his mask, dropping down fully to his knees over the bucket and does what the bucket was there for. No reason to get into the details of what that is, aside from it's unpleasant and short. "Why are we at the Avengers Mansion?" Spider-Man is doing everything possible short of turning his back not to look up and see who that commanding voice belongs.

He is already mortified beyond any possibility for redemption and shaking a little from a mixture of how embarassed he is and how sick he feels. Pete spits hard into the bucket trying to clear his mouth and wraps his arms around his head to hide it where it's partially barried in the open end of the container.

Captain America has posed:
The thumbs-up doesn't convince Steve one bit that everything's okay. He shakes his head slowly as he listens to the poor kid retch up whatever he had last to eat.

"Gimme a second..." Wade gets a firm point and a flat palm aimed at him to ask silently that he stay put where he is and then the Captain disappears briefly into the mansion again. Upon return, it appears he has a kitchen towel half-wetted and a gel ice-pack, this one large enough to be used on muscle bruises.

The scent of the vomit is acrid, but Steve simply steels himself as he then takes a knee beside the young man in the brightly-colored suit. "Here, wipe your mouth. If you want, put the blue pack on the back of your neck. It'll slow the nausea." The commanding tone has paled in his voice while not disappearing entirely; it sounds like he's familiar with these accountrements. "What's your name, kid?"

Deadpool has posed:
"Beeee-cause," Wade begins, lengthening the word smoothly, with a slow spread of his hands across his body in a gesture normally reserved for displaying how big the fish he just caught was. "Beeee-cause, this is where I wanted to be. And my teleporter usually does that. It sees what is truly in my heart, not my head. Which is really good, because my head comes up with some places, like the inside of Thanos's asshole, and that isn't a place I wanted to teleport to. I mean, I think. I'm not certain even where that would be. So that could be part of it. Both drive, as well as knowing what the hell I'm talking - ha, thinking? - about."

Wade flutters his hand near his belt, and, much like the last time he saw Spider-Man, procures a few random things, including some lip gloss, two green jolly ranchers, a map of Belgium, and what he wanted: a moist towelette. He unfolds it carefully in his fingers (pinkies bent!), after ripping it open and throwing the trash past Spider-Man's cheek into the bucket. He then offers it down to Spider-Man. Yes, the towel Steve brought is SO MUCH better. But Deadpool helped too! Helpy helping.

Wade then flips his hands into creating a heart shape from his fingers and palms towards Steve. Wade also mouths something, but it isn't like it can be understood. Wade has a mask on. It could have been ANYTHING.

Spider-Man has posed:
This is a life altering amount of awkwardness infront of a person Peter had not just read about, but idolized when he was a kid. (that wasnt that long ago really). While the Captain is away, Pete snatches the towelette from Deadpool's hands and wipes it over the corners of his mouth. Half his mask has been lifted to evacuate his soul into a bucket, but the eyes remained covered and they are narrowed dangerously at Wade when the answer he receives is about as convoluted as he expected.

Then here comes Steve with a ice gel pack and a towel looking like he's halo'd by light from inside the mansion and managing to look both sympathetic AND relatable all in the same moment. When his name is asked, Pete was laying the cool pack against the back of his neck and finishing wiping the contents of his stomach from off his mouth with the offered towel, "Peter, sir."

It just popped out. "Spider-Man.." He addeds rather than a last name, eyes widening, "Peter Spider-Man..." Is this really happening? Did he really just.. "Just Spider-Man.. or Peter.. it's weird to say both isn't. I'm really nervous and I just vomited on your lawn. Sir."

Frown growning so deep it has to hurt, "Do I salute?" Awkward teeth clinched smile and a bundle of his mask between the bug eyes from a furrowed brow.

Captain America has posed:
Despite himself, a small laugh escapes Steve. It's not unkind, rather more sympathetic and knowing. "No, you don't need to salute. Though, you know who I am if you're asking. Steve Rogers." The Captain doesn't offer a hand to shake, but he does rise back to his feet, pushing off of his knees, to take a step back and give Peter more room to breathe.

"And yeah, you're on the back lawn of the Avengers mansion. Why're you here?" It's a question aimed more at Wade than anything else, but Steve's eyes still flick from Deadpool and back to Peter and his orange bucket.

Deadpool has posed:
Wade huffs a breath. This question was just asked. "Okay but if I'm going to answer, you need to NOT walk away this time, because while I might tell you a third time, four times is just right out," Wade says. He promptly inhales deeply, as if he were going to repeat all of the nonsense about teleporting and assholes...

"I like it here."

Wade bounces on his heels once, and then looks down at the Spider-Man. "You let me come by. And he's a good guy. I vouch." Deadpool folds his arms over his chest, and shrugs his shoulders. Sometimes things are simple. Simple as just that. "He's Peter." That's new to Wade, too. And somehow it also helps things. Peter, the good guy, recommended by Wade.

Spider-Man has posed:
"Everyone knows who you are, sir." Peter may as well be talking to any super star, rubbing the gel pack against his neck. Either he's all out of stomach or it's helping because some of the green has left his features to be replaced with super rose colored cheeks. It's a good reason to have a mask, a mask that Peter slips back down once he realizes it wasn't doing its covering job. "I just wanted to come back to New York." His voice is has a little baratone in his voice to sound less like a child, but that can't possibly be new to Steve.

Doesn't help him feel less awkward.

Then Wade is vouching for him. He doesn't out and out deny knowing Deadpool, but part of him feels like he probably should. "We fought a snot monster." Flicking a finger between himself and Poolio. "I.. am really sorry about the lawn." The big eyes of his mask look down at the mess, not all of it could make it into the bucket. "Can I... like.. mow the lawn or something? Or if you have a water hose, I'll spray it down. Maybe a hole I can crawl into and literally die, that'd be pretty helpful too."

Captain America has posed:
"No, Peter, thank you, it's fine. The sprinklers will wash it away tonight." The lawn remains as green as it does because of the mansion's carefully-cued watering system that is also eco-friendly. Thank you, thank you, and the conscientious people of New York are no doubt pleased with it.

Steve's brows flick as he glances from Peter to Wade. "The snot monster," he echoes with a note of rememberance. "Mutated rat, if I remember correctly. Glad that was corralled." The Captain's arms lightly fold. Suspicion brings those mobile brows together.

"...Wade, are you auditioning him?"

Deadpool has posed:
Wade had started to stroll towards Captain America in a super friendly like way. Just so casually strolling over, in a way that often ends in him trying to hug his good spangled buddy. But, when asked, he loops a look from Steve to the poor Peter, and then back.

The mercenary holds up one hand to Steve in a 'just a moment' gesture of one finger, and then ambles to Spider-Man. He partially squats near him, to whatever level Peter is at currently, face near the other masked fellow's, and stage whispers loudly:

"....Do you want to be auditioned?"

Spider-Man has posed:
Pete raises a hand at Steve's turning down of his offer to water away the contents of his stomach and shakes his head into a weird yes/no nod situation, "Kneeling over a vomit bucket on the Avenger Mansion lawn after being teleported by Gods own microwaved hotdog.." His hand drops to his thigh with a quiet clap of spandex to spandex, "When people ask why snot monsters aren't the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me, this moment right here will be the new barometer upon which the situation is judged."

All that was, for the most part, to himself.

Maybe Deadpool who squats down infront of him to stage whisper. He rubs his hand across the corners of his masked mouth and looks down upon the grass, since surely the answer to the question must be there, "I once auditioned to play Seymour in Little Shop of Horror in high school." There might even be a point, "My audition was singing one of the numbers and I projectile vomited all over the teacher in the front row when I was suppose to be singing. I ended up having to get inside Audrey II suit and play the plant for six weeks worth of weekends.."

"I just vomited in front of Captain America... Actual Captain America, not a cardboard cut out of him... that's really him." Pointing over Wade's shoulder at Steve, "I feel like if I say yes, I'm going to end up Spider-Man the Avengers official janitor with the special power of windex and oxyclean... and it bothers me that I know Kaboom is a better cleaning solution, so..."

He shrugs, big shrugs, like really committing to the shrug, "Sure. Yeah.. what the heck. I like mopping floors."

Captain America has posed:
Steve squints at the scene before him. Peter's not wrong; this is a new hatch mark on the Captain's personal meter of weirdness as well, without a doubt. He continues observing both the Merc and the Spider-Man interact and ends up still shaking his head to himself, just slightly.

"The robots do the cleaning around here," he informs Peter. "Nobody mops unless they've made an immediate mess." His shoulders jounce in a series of little chuckles out of the blue. "Look, that's not the worst audition I've seen." He doesn't go on to explain who; rather, he keeps the merriment of it behind his teeth and in the twinkle of his eyes. "I'll get your information, kid, and run it past the other members of the board." He puts a wry twist on the bestowment of title. "I wouldn't be too worried. We can check the local news feeds, see what the footage has to show, if you don't want to be run through the gamut."

Lord only knows what the gamut is.

Deadpool has posed:
Wade attempts to pat Peter's back to comfort him. Whether or not the touch of the mercenary's hand, after their session of kidnapping/bonding earlier, causes Peter comfort or some other emotion, well, Wade isn't going to worry about that or even think about it.

"Just remember that I am here, and I am making you look SO good right now. And that's taking into account the hot-pocket vomit on the lawn. I probably should not have fed you Mountain Dew, huh? That's distinctive in odor, and a little terrifying in color. Matches the grass, though," Wade chatters, 'quietly', at Spider-Man, before he turns back to Steve and holds up two thumbs way up!

"He's good! We're good," Wade annonces. And asides to Peter, "I could try to punch him, then you might look even better?" Encouragingly. As if he were asking if more praises needed to be sung in some way.

Spider-Man has posed:
It's weird how a few seconds can draw out into days in your head when standing near a puddle of your own vomit in front of Captain America on the Avengers front lawn. Spidey doesn't shy away from Deadpool, but he's only a little numb at this point. Drained from fighting, being kidnapped, and now mortal embarassment, he's basically a meat popsickle. "Oh, well that's good.. I never really picked up mopping as a talent." He explains, rubbing at the back of his neck with an impressive amount of expression in an expressionless mask directed at Wade's attempt to help.

Back in awkward moment between a globally recognized hero and Spiderman, the younger hero lifts his shoulders in a huge shrug, "What's the gamut, I feel like I should run the gamut. I have a terrible PR guy, ya see. The news has it out for me like a hitman... I think I've been blamed for everything from petty larceny to the creation of cancer." That's only a slight exageration. Radioactive has been thrown around pretty liberally in some of the pieces about him. He's not though. Radioactive, that is.

Or a larcenist. Or whatever.

"At some point I know I had to have apologized, but I feel like this-" Motioning at the vomit and general oddity of his meeting tonight, "-Deserves another one. Possible every couple minutes for the next twenty or so years. Hashtag, my bad dude is going to pop up all over your twitter feed."

Captain America has posed:
"There's no punching necessary, Wade." Steve caught the suggestion easily enough and gives the Merc a flat look. He loops his thumbs into his jean pockets and takes a moment to recompose himself to professional yet again.

"Well, I don't have a Twitter account, so that'll save you some time - and you don't have to apologize anymore, really," and the Captain waves a hand. "Worse things have happened out here on the lawn. We're also not unfamiliar with dissecting the news. They don't like us much better sometimes." 'Us' being the Avengers by insinuation.

"The gamut you can run later, once you're recovered. 'm not about to send you through it after a ride like that." Wade gets a mildly remonstrative glance.

Deadpool has posed:
"I don't think you pick up talents -- it's not like how you pick up hookers. I don't think that's how talents work. Like you've got a talent for mopping or you don't," Wade chatters at Peter. "But you might do something and then realize you're great at it. But it was inside you /all along/. I feel that way about a lot of kinky sexual situations. Just didn't realize until I was there, in the moment. And then WOW, suddenly you had that inside you."

Wade pauses. "Was that suggestive? I don't mean to be subtle. But, I didn't mean to suggest plowing. Unless it's emotional. I feel like we did connect. Sort of stiffly, maybe, but. Maybe that's just my end of that."

Wade weighs each of the two other men, looks at the puke bucket, and once again starts to cross towards Steve, apparently opting to twitch his attention over that way. It's really hard to determine where to focus for poor Wade, with these two.

"He's HAS had a hell of a day. Hit by a car. Then me, and my supurb rescue. Heroic, maybe. Got a little slammed unexpectedly by my heroism. He's probably wrestling with some deep issues, mostly including seeing me without all this," Wade says, to Steve, gesturing to his own masked face. "And Hot-Pockets. Less so now, I suppose, since they're on the grass."

Wade has now come to stand near Steve, unless the captain moves away, as if he were helping to judge the poor young Spidey. "He's good, like you: in a way I'm not." There was a firm, sad edge to that, which clashes slightly with all the insane chatter. Honest. Maybe jealousy. Maybe not.

Spider-Man has posed:
"I can definitely hook you up with a twitter account..." Spidey manages while Deadpool is rambling because that's a good distraction to sizing up what was said and letting it rummage around in his subconscious for the rest of his adult life. Then he has to cop to the fact that he's kind of a judgemental person who based a person entirely on their looks, though the actions weren't much better if they're being honest. Kidnapped, check, shown the true face of horror, double check, but Wade did give him a hot-pocket.

The circle of sharing is now complete, though.

Because Pete gave the hot-pocket to Steve's lawn.

Now he's standing there in a dirty costume scratching at the back of his neck being praised by Wade Wilson of all people. "Thanks." Said honestly, if quietly, to the Merc. Usually there would be more witty banter, but it's hard to get a word in there... so he doesn't try. Then everyone's just running off at the gums and poor Steve has to sort through it all for kernals of insight.

Widen eyes turn towards Pool to study him a second. "You are a very hard person to figure out."

Captain America has posed:
Drawing from his usual stoic reservoir of patience, Steve tries to pick out the normalcy and logic from within the colorful Rainbow Road that is Wade's line of thought, rife with Blue Shells and Banana Peels. He succeeds...maybe, by the furrow of his wheat-gold brows. Remaining in place as Wade takes up a stance nearby, he glances from him to poor Peter on the lawn.

"I believe you, Wade," replies the Captain very quietly and even kindly as to the Merc's assessment of the young man verses Steve himself. He then offers out a hand to Peter, heedless of whether or not any of the vomit spattered upon his suit at any point.

"How can Tony Stark and I get into contact with you then, Mister Parker?" he asks. "If Wade's vouching for you, it means more'n a little." Deadpool is still given an oblique look, as if to check and see if he's closing in for an impromptu hug.

Deadpool has posed:
Wade looks towards Peter and the honest thank-you. Wade possibly blinked, but who can tell, with his mask? (He did blink.) He blows a kiss at Peter in return. "Let's talk about how hard I am more privately, later, okay? It might make Steve uncomfortable. I try to keep the sex stuff at a low throbbing pulse; he's helping me grow. ...As a person."

"I... am going to get out of your hair now, so that you can sort out serious things that will bore me. I did my good deed. I feel positively glowing. Like I had influence for a minute, to connect one friend to another friend, without expecting something in return. I have warm fuzzies. Is this what you have ALL the time? Fuck. Heroism is like a FEELS drug." Wade brings both hands up to clasp them over his heart, and gives a deep, extremely overdramatic sigh.

And then Wade collapses right there backwards toward some (clean) lawn in a swooning motion, just letting himself dump to the ground, one arm flung out.

Spider-Man has posed:
Peter doesn't have the time in with Wade to navigate the landmine laden field of cray, but he did sleep at a Holliday Inn Express last night. There's an odd emot to the way Spidey's eyes move that can effectively emmulate the raising of one brow when there's a lot of talk about things that are overtly sexual in nature. So much so that the young vigilante nearly misses the part where Steve said he'd need a way to get intouch with him.

A doubletake later and he's staring right at Steve, "T-.. Tony Stark?" The eyes of his mask don't really blink, but they come as close as eyes on a mask can. "I.. you know I haven't really thought about that, but I guess since I just blurt out my name like a duffus with the good sense god gave a bag of pineapples, I can just give you my cellphone number." He told Steve Rogers, though. Well, Steve Rogers AND Wade Wilson.

Remember the landmines?

Deadpool's dramatic tumbling has Spidey looking back in the merc's direction. He's no Flash (buh dun tiss), but he's still pretty fast and fires a webline towards the Merc's chest. Provided he manages to catch him, there's a yank and an open armed hug... he may even lay his head on Deadpool's shoulder and get real back rubby in that hug. "You have my vomit on you." Whispered real close to Wade's mask.

Captain America has posed:
Staidly, the Captain continues to stand there and weather the sudden and unpredictable blossoming of conversational bent and resulting action. He does look aside to the replaced shrub at one point, as if half-expecting it to be still coiffed into a phallic shape. If only bushes could tell stories.

"I do have some work to finish out, gentlemen, so if I could get the contact information before I leave you to your business, it'd make the day go smoother," he comments, not completely sure what to make of the sudden webbing-induced hug. Who's rubbing off on whom at this point?

Deadpool has posed:
Deadpool has his own set of immediate reactions when things happen suddenly. 'Rescue' isn't first on his list, though; had roles been reversed he would have watched Spidey fall down. %20 chance of pointing and laughing as well.

So being snared with the webline and pulled brought Deadpool's primary reaction to bear, which in turn will probably set off all of the spider senses, because in the time that he's pulled at Spidey, he dropped a hand and pulled a handgun, even as the other hand comes to drape 'lovingly' behind Spidey's neck. The gun will mostly just feel like a hard thing at Spider-Man's abdomen.

Yeah, you feel me. <3

"Oh, this is a cuddle? Huh. I like unexpected acts of affection. You forgot what I have under this mask, already? Did you get a head injury? Do you need to lay down? I'm good with being on top, let you relax, and I'll keep the mask on?" Wade purrs, attempting to rub his masked cheek to Peter's, fully into wherever THIS is going.

Maybe. The gun is still out, and the safety isn't on.

Spider-Man has posed:
There is a gun at his abdomen.

Did he invite that insanity upon himself? Yes, he did. So in a way he's as guilty of the gun as is Deadpool if only by dent of not knowing exactly how crazy the person he was SURPRISE hugging actually was. Even knowing that this is at least ten percent his fault does not change one very important thing in the equation:

There is a gun at his abdomen.

Spidey, cheek to cheek with Deadpool, being nuzzled even, moves with an incredibly precognitive manner that changes the primary point of contention. He pushes the side of his head in towards Deadpool's neck with a surprising amount of strength for a lil' guy and twists on his knees in ways that the ligaments of the leg shouldn't allow. Widening out his stance as his hand slaps down and wraps around the pistols receiver like a vice grip to keep it from accidentally firing when he uncoils off his twistedleg like a spinning top.

Aerial cartwheel, pushing off the merc's shoulder into a series of flips that end with him rolling up to his feet infront of Steve as if none of it happened. He's even got his phone in his hand, thumbing through his contacts, "Do you want me to put you in as Steve Rogers or The Cap'n? I'm leaning towards The Cap'n... humble brag later, ya know?"

Captain America has posed:
What abruptly-calculated response on Steve's part that rattled into being in his brain like the world's fastest game of chess is unnecessary -- and he's grateful for it even as he watches the final few midair sommersaults before Peter lands nearby to him.

Hands ready to separate the two, one way or another, fall back to more neutral positions, one at his hip; the other hand rises to rub behind his ear in a tic of long-habit. "As long as you know it's me, I don't care overmuch what you put me in as." He rattles off his cell phone number for Peter, adding, "Text me, I'll forward it on to the necessary parties." By what he's just seen on display, the Captain's convinced that the webslinger will bring an interesting advantage to the Avengers.

"And thanks, Wade," he calls out towards the Merc as he takes his first steps backwards towards the mansion. Slowly...carefully...leaving the situation while there's no vomit on his person...

Deadpool has posed:
Deadpool didn't attempt to squeeze off any shots in the window where he COULD have. So he has only himself to blame for all of the acrobatic wonderment that then happens. And he goes along with it, like it was a great show. He even slow-claps against the gun barrel.

Steve probably, at least, knows it could have swung into a full battle, of knives and sprays of bullets and insanity, more things to spill on the lawn. But Deadpool just has a good giggle about it, and puts his gun away. And the spider-sense warnings will maybe drop out of 'screaming inferno' level.

"You are WELCOME," Wade calls loudly to Steve. "I'll see you in your bedroom, maybe... Wednesday? Is Wednesday good? Wednesday's good!" Maybe a wink is added to that. It sounds like excessive winkage.

"Call /me/ later," Deadpool asks of Spidey, aiming a slap at Peter's ass as he heads sideways across the lawn, hopping over the vomit, and heading off towards the driveway. He might actually go, if he isn't escalated in some other new fashion.

Or if he realizes he didn't give Peter his number.

Spider-Man has posed:
Pete bobs his head at Steve and inputs the cellnumber under The Cap'n because of course he does. There's a quick text that reads something like: Hey its spidrmm, we just met. I vomited on your lawn? As if that amount of time is enough to have forgotten him or, who knows maybe Cap doesn't check texts immediately? There's people who don't, they're not anti-social no matter what coworkers and loved ones might say about them.

Then Wade slaps his ass and Pete jumps with a glare back over his shoulder, eyes narrowed on his mask. There's a feeling, somewhere inside him, that screams to let it slide... so he does. Waving with his phone hand to the departing Merc and then the departing Captain.

At which point he realizes he's standing on the Avengers lawn basically alone. "Thanks!" He says, double pointing at the wall, "Nothing's going to vaporize me if I climb over right? Ill let myself out..." Stepping in that direction he deftly avoids his own emesis with a sigh/grumble and webs a tree limb to fling himself in the direction of New York outside the Mansion grounds.

"When I tell my kids about the moment I joined the Avengers, I... am going to change some details."

Fin.