8776/Take These Broken Wings

Take These Broken Wings
Date of Scene:	13 August 2019
Location:	Nelson and Murdock, Clinton
Synopsis:	Castiel shares the news of his wings with Karen Page, and confirms his belief that humans are exceedingly complex for such a simple and short-lived species.
Cast of Characters:	Castiel, Karen Page

---

Castiel has posed:
So, what does one do when one discovers what was lost was found?

First he celebrated with Hayal. There was euphoria, and flight, and just an overall feeling of affirmation that he must be doing something right.. and then.. nothing.

The boys were off doing whatever it was they'd decided needed their attention now. He couldn't precisely stomp in and demand Agent May pay attention to him - even if the news was big to him. Would she even understand the import?

Bucky, well, he could tell Bucky.. but Cas wasn't ready to perhaps sadden his friend over that, yet. He wasn't sure what Bucky might say. Or perhaps he could continue a reign of terror against the true believer Matthew Murdock was.. or, he could find someone to practice on. Someone who would be suitably happy, and give him honest feedback on the matter.

All of this meant one Karen Page, secretary and file clerk to that same Matthew Murdock and his partner Foggy Nelson.

As per his usual wont, Cas doesn't use the door, remembering belatedly..

Karen Page has posed:
Late weekday evenings are when Karen catches up on the paperwork she didn't manage to finish during the day. Now that she's had a chance to catch up with Mr. No-- Bucky, she no longer feels the need to haunt Josie's quite as diligently. Thus, as 9pm rolls around, she's still at her desk in the Nelson & Murdock law office, the glow of her computer monitor and the lights from the tiny kitchenette the only illumination in the room.

She's focused enough on the computer that she doesn't notice Castiel's arrival for a good few seconds, but then she turns to reach for something from a filing cabinet and sees him in her peripheral vision...

With a surprised yelp, she jumps half out of her skin (not literally), then stares at Castiel wide-eyed for about a second with one hand pressed to her sternum before recovering from the startle.

"Oh my god, Cas, I didn't hear you come in."

Castiel has posed:
Castiel stands there in an uncertain hover. Hands in trench coat pockets. Shoulders angled at her desk. Looking ever so much like he might turn tail and flee (laughable when he can just teleport out), as the angel considers her paperwork.

"I have forgotten the door," he remarks quietly, in his usual gruff tones. "I did not intend on startling you."

Adding after a pause of thought, head inclining further, "That is one of your sayings. Oh my god." You can hear the little g of it as opposed to Big G God. "I will try to be noisier next time if you wish. But you will have to be louder for Him to hear you, I think."

Okay, so his wit needs work. He's trying.

Karen Page has posed:
At the angel's kind-of apology, Karen smiles. "It's okay. Happens often enough that I really shouldn't be that easy to startle anymore." But, she is.

"And, yeah. It's become more an exclamation of a strong reaction than an actual plea for divine attention. And knocking seems to work for most people, if you want to give it a try next time." Note, she didn't say anything about being OUTSIDE the door when knocking.

"So, what brings you here, Proginoskes? I'm guessing it's not the coffee." Her eyes flick toward her long-tepid cup. It was kind of crap anyway.

Castiel has posed:
There's a sudden and certainly visible gleam in the angel's blue eyes, and it's entirely possible Cas is thinking about knocking on the door, from the inside, right now. Enough that he even glances over his shoulder in that direction. "I see. I will try the knocking next time." But even he has to admit he's not here for the coffee, even if it would be an easy excuse.

"You have an alarming lack of whiskey here." He's been trying to remember not to say 'the whiskey' or 'the knocking' or such things. He's doing better than 50:50 on the matter, too. "But if you wish a coffee, I will join you."

He might not really enjoy the stuff, but it's a human thing. Like that whole plea for Divine intervention.

"I have seen in your movies that people say that often. The oh my god. I did not understand at first." He wisely doesn't mention the other times he's heard that phrase used, as it's really not a topic he wishes to get into right this moment.. Instead, "I have a problem."

"Maybe it isn't a problem," he corrects himself. "Something has happened and I do not know how to share it with my friends."

Karen Page has posed:
Karen nods as Castiel says he will try knocking, then breathes out an amused little huff at the alarming lack of whiskey comment. "Well, this is a workplace, and whiskey isn't always conducive to get work done." At his less than enthused acceptance of coffee, she opts for a slight change and gets out the packets of hot chocolate instead. Those are made quickly enough with water from the coffeepot and a little dollop of milk in each.

"So, you have something you want to tell others about?" She returns and offers one of the mugs -- a bright crayon orange one -- to Castiel. "I guess a good place to start is to determine if you think it's a good something or a bad something."

Castiel has posed:
"That is what I do not know," he offers in return to the question, nostrils flaring at the scent of chocolate. "I think I wish them to know, but there does not seem to be a way to have it come up idly in conversation. And to bring it up bluntly may be alarming." Or, what he won't admit, leave him in the akward position of fending questions and congratulations - things he is torn about, wanting to be congratulated on the one hand, while feeling oddly naked about the matter on the other.

The bright orange mug is considered from many angles, to the point he nearly spills on himself trying to see the bottom of the thing as well as the top. "This is chocolate." Ever so obvious, and given with a nod. "The mug is bright and cheery. Like the ones you have with sayings, only the colour is the saying."

It wasn't at all like diner mugs which were small, and a flat off white at best.

"I do not know if everyone will think it a good something." He looks over the mug that he is holding awkwardly, not yet sipping (because he's learned that the steam rising from the mug suggests he shouldn't, lest the vessel scald its throat). "It is good for me?"

Karen Page has posed:
Karen considers Castiel's philsophical quandary but chooses to answer the simple quasi-question first. "Yes. I thought maybe you'd like chocolate better than coffee. But, back to your main question. If it's something you want people to know, then the simplest and most direct way to go about it is to tell them 'I want to tell you something', and then tell them your news. Usually, people will take it as good or bad news based on the way you present it. Let me give you an example."

Setting her own mug of chocolate on her desk she rubs her hands together. "Okay, please remember I'm using a fictional example." She takes a breath, then looks at Castiel squarely and says in a serious tone, "I'm pregnant." And just as quickly, her demeanor returns to normal. "So, would you think that was good news or bad news?"

Castiel has posed:
Castiel nods affirmatively over the hot chocolate. If it tastes like it smells, he might like this. He's not sure, but the scene stirs up memories he can't quite put his finger on yet. They're warm thoughts, though, and those are few and far between in the vessel when it recalls.

The mug is held nearer, as though that will effuse the vessel with what it missed when Jimmy was 'alive'. Before he'd given up hope and signed off to let Castiel use his body.

When Karen announces she's pregnant, however, he startles, wanting to abruptly correct her, the desire entirely visible on his features before he remembers she has explicitly told him that this is just fiction.

"I do not know. There are reasons humans would say it is good, and reasons they would say it is bad." Even the Virgin Mary had faced backlash for carrying the Lord. She might have willingly taken up that burden, but it wasn't without cost.

But given her situation, Karen gets a slow nod. "I think it would be difficult. You have a job that takes long hours, for little pay, and you are single. But I do not know you well enough to know if that would please you." Even if he could check. It was a thing he didn't do very often, but he could skim surface thoughts and emotions. If she were truly pregnant, he would know without asking whether or not Karen thought it a good or bad thing.

Karen Page has posed:
Karen nods. She thinks he's getting it. "Okay, now I'm going to offer the same news in a completely different way." She takes a breath, then takes a step toward Castiel with her hands forward as if she's reaching to grab for his coat's lapels. "I'm pregnant!" she says as she smiles to light up the entire room. And again just as quickly, she steps back and returns to her usual demeanor. "Can you tell the difference there?" She picks up her own mug again -- a bland white one but with a cartoony picture of a frog on it -- and sips at her chocolate.

Castiel has posed:
Okay, that's a shock. There is certainly some sloshing of chocolate, on his wrist; on the cuff of his coat; on a shoe. But he sees what she means, her 'joy' is an infectious thing, even if she's lying - because she is not pregnant. He would know if she were.

"I see. The first time you were cautious. Both you and I were uncertain how the news would be. But the second time, you were telling everyone that you were happy and excited, even if they might not be."

Another nod.

"You were inviting us to be happy with you." Mary had been like that. She'd told Elizabeth with similar joy.

He thinks to sip his chocolate, then sets the mug down on the corner of her desk. "I am still uncertain how I am to feel about my news. At first I was..." Elated is the word he wants to use, but it seems so very exposing. "I was pleased. Only now I worry if there is a catch." Like perhaps his wings were a bribe. A pleasant one, but one nevertheless. "I also do not know if anyone will understand. It would be like you being excited over finishing a paperwork for a case. It is good news, but unless I know why it is important.. is it worth explaining or telling?"

Yes. Castiel was full on walking himself away from sharing his news - not just for the reasons stated, but the sudden realization how vulnerable his happiness made him feel.

Karen Page has posed:
Considering, Karen sets her own mug aside again. "I guess in this case, since you feel like it was a good thing but you're not sure others will also think so, perhaps just share your news and let your friends decide if they think it's good or not? But, I can pretty reliably tell you now, whatever your news is, the fact that it made you pleased tells me it must be something good even if you're unsure about it now."

Castiel has posed:
Castiel almost smiles when Karen says those encouraging words, making him feel that she might be pleased for him. It's enough to allow him to admit, "I have my wings."

The words leave him on a softly pleased breath. He's sat with the notion just long enough he can be calm about the admission, but still, for the generally crochety angel, he's pleased, and it's evident.

Karen Page has posed:
At Castiel's news, Karen smiles back, this time a gentle but genuinely happy smile. "That is /amazing/, and it must feel wonderful." But then a thought occurs to her. "Wait, you didn't have them already?" She doesn't seem any less pleased on his behalf, just mildly confused.

Castiel has posed:
Castiel sighs, and his shoulder slump ever so slightly, "That would be the part that would need explaining."

For this, he needs the hot chocolate. It might not be whiskey, but for some reason it's giving him strength in this matter.

"I have not been able to call my wings to myself. I do not know if they were gone, or if I did not have faith enough in them being. It is complicated. I am being punished. I have enough of my Grace to still know who and what I am, but not so much as to have all that I was.."

He adds, "I thought they were gone. I seem to have been wrong."

Karen Page has posed:
"Then it's a good thing," Karen decides while picking up her own mug of chocolate again. "I can see why you're unsure, but getting back something you'd thought was lost... how can that be bad?"

She takes another drink of her chocolate and looks at Castiel over the rim with a hint of a cheerful smile. "So, do I get to be happy for you now?"

Castiel has posed:
Castiel considers how to answer that question, given there are a couple of answers.

"I do not know why they have returned. I can not be certain that this is not something in my Father's plans that does not bode well. Another way to teach me a lesson."

Which is less of a worry.

The bigger one, "I am not used to what you humans call intimacy. I worry that it will seem to be bragging. Or that it will be something misunderstood and distancing. You saw how Matthew Murdock reacted to my presence. I am already struggling to understand how to be more.. to be less myself if this is where I am to stay."

Ultimately, Castiel was confused.

Karen Page has posed:
"Well, whatever reason there was for taking them away, having them back can only be good, right? I mean, if it was to teach you a lesson, then you must have learned to be rewarded by getting your wings back." And then Karen has a sudden and ridiculous random thought: Did someone get him to drink a Red Bull?

Hastily dismissing that thought, she thinks about the second thing Castiel mentioned. "How would being happy that something you thought lost and was returned to you be bragging? The worst I can see is maybe James wishing he could get his arm back like you got your wings back, but really, very few people will be in a place to have a similar reaction."

Mentally rewinding, she hits on another thing she needs to ask about. "If I may ask, why did you include mention of human intimacy?" She's asking honestly, as that seemed oddly incongruous.

Castiel has posed:
And there, he's hit the biggie on the head. "I do not want my friend James to be sad that I.." Her Castiel has to admit, "I can not heal his arm. I can make him believe, for a time, that it is there. I can make the pain go for a time, but he is as much machine as he is human. I can not heal machines. Anything I do it only temporary."

And if done unwisely, or too often, will be nothing more than another drug for the man to have to overcome, much as any mindcontrol had been on him.

"Intimacy," he explains. "You are intimate when you share your thoughts and feelings. That is the word, yes? Angels do not do that. I have never had a friend."

Karen Page has posed:
Nodding, Karen understands his reticence about telling Bucky, and for good reason. She's still debating the use of the term 'intimacy', though. "I'll be honest with you, Castiel. That word has changed connotations slightly in the past, oh, sixty-ish years. It's more commonly understood nowadays to mean that closely involved with someone in the romantic sense. You know, sexual intercourse and the like."

She holds up her free hand quickly as if to stave off commentary. "Don't get me wrong, if that's what you've found with your friend with the pigeon wings, more power to you. But I got the impression that that's not what you meant."

Castiel has posed:
"Oh," the angel frowns. "Then I do not know what word it is I should use. I am not intimate sexually with anyone." He'd not exactly been curious about it. Then again, he'd not exactly been not curious either. It just hadn't really come up. The closest he'd come was the contact he'd had with Bucky in a hug, and similar with Hayal. Neither of which felt particularly sexual, though both contacts had felt intimate.

Humans continued to confuse him.

"Hayal? No. I do not think we enjoy each other that way. I do not think it is because he is a male." Cas was aware this continued to be a human issue of some contention, who you slept with and what their gender was, and that many still thought that gender should not be your own. "We are, we are wounded soldiers. We hurt in the same places. I do not think that is sexual."

Quieter, and perhaps with some regret, "He has been intimate with humans, though. He understands you better than I do."

Karen Page has posed:
Karen ahs softly. That makes more sense. "I'd have to think of a more ... accurate word than intimate, though it's pretty close. Just not the connotation that most people will immediately think. Hm. Confidential? Not quite right either. There are far less formal words that might better apply, like 'chummy'. That means something like close platonic friends."

Wow. Words.

Castiel has posed:
Castiel lets Karen flounder on this one all by herself. He'd already run into this, and intimate was the word that seemed to best suit - until she'd brought up the sexual connotations. Once again he considered that humans were entirely hung up on the act of copulation, and with no good reason he could see. They didn't even seem to enjoy it half the time - or, rather, they enjoyed it and then felt immediately guilty for the fact.

Humans were a constant source of confusion. For such a simple, and short lived creature, they were astoundingly, and annoyingly, complex.