|Deadpool (Scenesys ID: 106)|
|"If I was a mortician, I'd tie all the shoelaces of the dead together. That way, if there ever was a zombie apocalypse... it'd be hilarious."|
|Full Name:||Wade Winston Wilson|
|Citizenship:||Dominion of Canada|
|Residence:||Casa del Pulpo (Gravesend, Brooklyn) and Deadhut (Castlefall,, Starling)|
|Education:||University of British Columbia|
|Groups:||Alpha Flight, Defenders, Hench, Spider-Verse, Xavier's School, Space-OOC, Starling-OOC|
|Apparent Age:||36||Actual Age:||36|
|Date of Birth||8 February 1991||Actor:||Ryan Reynolds|
|Height:||188 cm (6'2")||Weight:||95 kg (209 lb)|
|Hair Color:||Bald (Blond)||Eye Color:||Blue|
|Theme Song:||"Deadpool" by Thibault Leblanc Inoue|
"Angel of the Morning" by Juice Newton
"Deadpool" by Deadpool Said
Wade Wilson has something of a reputation for being a staggeringly skilled mercenary who can be hired at bargain basement prices. Why is this, you may ask? Well hiring Wade, or as he likes to be called, Deadpool... often comes with an added risk factor lumped in. That risk could have something to do with his often flagrant disregard of engagement parameters. It could also have something to do with his extreme amount of collateral damage. Then, might have something to do with the fact that he's pretty much bonkers.
Current Player Approved: Not Applicable
My costume is a black and red number, which looks like a blatant rip-off of Spider-Man, and yet it's cool in its own right. I'm a tall guy at 188 cm, with an athletic physique that clearly shows through my oh so tight costume. It leaves nothing to the imagination, and yes, you do have a dirty mind. Do you think of your mother with that mind of yours? Shame on you!
Look as hard as you like, you won't find an inch of skin that's visible, unless of course I've just come from picking a fight with the Incredible Hulk. If that's the case, then you might see some black and blue bits shining through the holes. My mask is special. It can convey emotion. I have two big white ovals for eyes, with beady little eyes. I am a Canadian after all.
Wilson was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatsoever about that. Wade Wilson was as dead as a door-nail. But don't worry folks, my handy dandy heal-o-matic 2000 kicked in and brought me back to life. I woke up on a gurney in the Workshop. My life leading up to that point doesn't really matter. Okay, I was a typical youth, I came from a single parent home, but I can't remember whether I grew up with my mother, or my father. They're both dead now anyway.
When I was younger, I got in with a bad crowd, I robbed convenience stores, I stole cars, I dealt some drugs, and shot people, you know, just your average every day upbringing on the mean streets of Regina, Saskatchewan. That last part, about shooting people, was pretty cool. I liked to do it with style and panache, and pretty soon people started to take notice. They said things like, "hey, this kid's pretty good at shooting people, let's offer him some money to shoot people for us," and thus I became a mercenary because murder is fun, and getting paid for it is sweet!
I did the merc thing for a while, but then I got hired to clean out this shack full of mercenaries, and they so totally schooled me. I wasn't ready. They threw my body in the river, and I drifted down, as free as a log. I should have died then, but I didn't. That's not the thing I was talking about two paragraphs up. This one was different. I was pulled from the water by this hippie, who was also called Wade Wilson, or was I the guy pulling him out, I forget. Anyway, someone got shot, and someone got pulled out of the water.
Did I mention that everything you've read might be a lie? No, well, okay then. Wade and his wife Mercedes took me in, instead of taking me to oh I don't know, a hospital. They nursed me back to health because they were hippies and they were teachers or something. So I killed Mercedes. But it was an accident. Wade, the other one, was none too pleased with my murder of his wife, or my wife, again, there's some confusion about who's who, and I don't mean the Definitive Directory of the DC Universe. So I killed him too, or so I thought.
I had a thing for Mercedes, and would have really enjoyed showing it to her in that horizontal sweaty way, but I never got to. Instead, I put an axe in her. This messed me up. I'd always been a bit of a sociopath, I had gone to the meetings, and I swore that I could quit at any time. But this really threw me. So naturally I took Wade's name, one of us was named Wade T. Wilson, while I go by Wade Winston Wilson, or Jack did I mention it gets confusing? Come on Marvel, sort it out already. I want to know who I am, or was, don't you?
From this point on I'm going to refer to myself as Wade, and if that other guy ever comes up, he'll be T-Ray, because Wade T. Wilson makes so much sense to be shortened to T-Ray, right? Whatever! After that ordeal, I decided to get out of Dodge, or wherever the hell I was, and moved to Metropolis, the city, not the state. I met this girl, she was unbelievably attractive, she put out on the first date, and for some reason, she liked me. That's three ol' big checks in my book. She having sex with other guys for money and not giving me a cut was a black mark, but we found a happy medium. She tried to stop me from killing for money and I tried to stop her from screwing people for money.
I liked her, and not just because she gave me happy endings for free. I really cared for her, so I dumped her. I figured she could do better than me. How bad is that? I had so little self-esteem that I thought a prostitute could do better than me. But I'm a killer. People around me tend to get hurt and I didn't want that to happen to Vanessa. Didn't I mention her name? Okay, there you have it. Her name was Vanessa and besides, she was too young for me.
When I got cancer, I left her for good. She cried; I bit my tongue, literally. I only got my taste buds back when I got a healing factor. I went home to Canada and signed up with some wacky Canadian super hero project. They promised to get rid of my cancer. I should have looked at the fine print. Oh, they got rid of the cancer. I'm still breathing, aren't I? But they did it by giving me a healing factor that now fights the cancer all day, every day.
Do you remember how I said that Wilson was dead? If you don't, then you really should see a doctor. I only said it like five minutes ago. Seriously, get yourself some help. So, I woke up on a gurney after having my heart ripped out of my chest. It was Weapon X's little way of testing to see if my healing factor worked. Nice guys, if I don't kill them the minute I lay eyes on them, we should do lunch, catch up, maybe go out for drinks, if I don't kill them.
I was what you call a reject, so they used me as their guinea pig, they would conduct experiments on me during the day, and let my healing factor knit me back together while they slept. I kept my sanity by talking to the guest in the next room, I mean cage, before he got lobotomised. In fact, I'm not even sure if he was real. It could have all been a product of my imagination.
I put the guy out of his misery, and brought some more onto me, because that's how I roll. I had to get out. But because I'm a nice guy, I freed the other human guinea pigs before I left. I took the name Deadpool, for the parimutuel betting that was going on among the staff on who would die first, second, third, and so on. You probably just learned a new word there. Isn't that fun?
After that, I returned to the safety and security of America because Canada is just messed up. The drugs, the violence, the experimentation, this wasn't in the brochure. I needed to find a nice, little, quiet place where I could relax. So naturally, I got a scummy rat-infested apartment in Brooklyn.
One day, I saw a robbery go wrong when I was looking out the window of my apartment. I didn't have a TV at the time and a man can only take so much Master-Rat Theatre. I decided then and there that I would become a criminal. I had a healing factor. I was pretty much invulnerable. I could take a licking and keep on ticking. That ought to be worth something to somebody, right?
I rose through the ranks pretty quickly, going from the rathouse to the penthouse in no time at all. I was even offered the chance to join the new Frightful Four. My first, last, and probably only outing with the F.F. was a total cluster fudge. Fudge? Sigh, if I'm going to swear, why not let me go for the good stuff? Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I was chased by Angry Ben and ended up getting shot by some kid with my own ray gun. That was embarrassing.
After that, I decided that I needed a cool costume because costumed villainy was where it's at. I found this red and black number in a bargain bin of Potter's Costume Shop in Clinton. It kind of looked like a bad Spider-Man knockoff, but I liked it, and I figured that the crime lords might too. And they did. I got a shot.
Unfortunately, there was one position available and two of us were going for it. I still don't understand that. I mean, there's got to be something on the Evil Overlord list about not making qualified underlings fight each other. So I had the chance to win, and kill the other guy, but I have a conscience. But instead of killing that guy, I had to go save some people. Good for me.
But that was the end of that gig, and yours truly was back to being a gentleman of leisure. I don't really know what that means, but I once heard an unemployed British guy refer to himself as that. I eventually got a job for some guy named Tolliver. He was from the future or something. I didn't really care as long as the money he paid me was good, and it was. While working for him I got to meet and fight some interesting mutants. That was a blast. I think I like those folks. I like them a lot. Can I be a mutant if I work hard?
A lot of people get me confused with an anti-hero, when I'm really more of an anti-villain. Deep down, I want to be good, but I find myself inexplicably drawn to evil. It pays better. You can see my dilemma. I have a conscience, but that doesn't make me a hero, even if Wolfram and Hart think it's my destiny to become a Guardian of Humanity. Every time I try and do well, it always seems to go wrong in spectacular ways. So I've kind of given up on that. As the Bad Guy Affirmation says, "I am bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be, than me."
I try to make up for it with the funnies. Sure, I can be abrasive, annoying, or downright abusive, but it's all in good fun - fun for me anyway. I'm always ready for a quick put-down or deadpan remark. Everyone knows that I'm joking. They think that I don't have a care in the world, but you know what, they're wrong. It's as much of a mask as the one covering my face. I use it to hide from the pain. I've got a dark side, and I hate when it shows its ugly face. When it does show, I stop with the funnies, and most people find that pretty shocking. As long as I'm making with the wisecracks, you're all right. But when I shut up, that's when $&^ gets real. What, I can't swear here? %&*# that, %&*# that in its #@(~&)* !%%. I'm not proud of that part of me, but sometimes I can't help it. I become a different person and he scares me.
When I found out about the cancer, I signed up with the Weapon Plus program. They promised to cure me. What did I have to lose? I was a dead man anyway. So they gave me a healing factor. I still have the cancer, but it's in check. I'm not dead yet, so that's a big plus in my book. The problem is my healing swings wildly. Some days I can have my heart ripped out and be fine not five minutes later. Other days it'll take me a while to re-grow a finger. I've been told that it's tied to my mental health. The more I use it, the crazier I become. That's probably a scurrilous lie. Just, what does scurrilous mean?
A healing factor isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sure, you're not going to poison me with the stuff in that needle, I can pet the pretty snakes, soft spiders, and lick toads, but recreational drugs don't work on me. I could pop oxycontin like Tic Tacs and barely get a buzz, and I drink beer by the keg.
"Dead-Pool, Dead-Pool, does whatever a Dead-Pool can. Spins a tale, any size. Catches peeps, with his lies. Look out! Here comes the Dead-Pool!" I'm not just a clever rip-off of Spider-Man. I can do things that he's never thought to try, like running my foot through my hair. I might not have been bitten by a radioactive spider, but I can hit a bullet, with a smaller bullet, whilst blindfolded, and jumping from a moving car, off a bridge, into a shot glass.
Having an image inducer helps, but appearances are only part of a disguise. If you want to do it right, you've got to commit to the little things, the mannerisms, the accents, the details. I can hide in plain sight when I want to, and with a bit of research, I can even pretend to be real people. When I'm on top of my game, you've got to pay really, really close attention.
I'm either the funniest mercenary in the business, or the most deadly comic around. No one seems to know for sure. I use my rapier-like wit, style, and panache, as a defence mechanism. I just don't want to get hurt, not again, not like I mean, it's a great offensive weapon. Some people aren't scared of my gunkata, or my mad ninja skills, but my banter gets them every time. My sense of humour is abrasive, sarcastic, and really freakin' annoying. This didn't come naturally. It took effort, dedication, and a lot of practice.
Step One: Address the building. "Hello, building. May I call you Rubble?" Step Two: Introduce the chemical explosives to Mr. Rubble. "How do you do?" Step Three: With finger extended like so, engage timer and run like heck!
Someday, I'm going to put the skills I learned while serving my country to good use. I can make plans, good plans, and smart ones that are carefully laid out. But then I get bored. I can keep a lid on it, and you know, be stealthy, but I like it to be the prelude to the big finish. It's funnier that way.
While my aim might not be perfect, I make up for it in the nitty-gritty. I'm an exceptional close in fighter. I love a good donnybrook. I can go ten rounds with anybody. Sure, by the tenth round I might not be able to lift my arm if not for my healing factor, but I'd make it to the tenth round. I might not win, I might get my butt kicked ten ways to Sunday, but I won't embarrass myself, at least not too much. My fisticuffs technique is unpredictable.
Being English Canadian, I can speak English, and claim to speak French. I know words like poutine, tuque, and that Superman wears his bobette over his clothes. On my travels, I picked up some German, Japanese, and Spanish too.
If you take away all of the cool gadgets, swords, guns, neat healing factor, and my charm, I'll cry. But that's beside the point. Without it all, I'm just a guy, trying to earn and honest month's pay for an honest day's work. I can't read minds, I'm not super strong, or fast, or able to fly. I just have myself; unless you count the sock puppet of lo ignore that. Ahem. I'm in top physical condition, and my healing factor lets me stay that way. If fancy schmancy techniques weren't so important, I could've been a contender.
Rochambeau is a game. First, you kick the other guy in the nuts as hard as you can. Then, they kick you in the nuts as hard as they can. Repeat until one of you can't take it anymore. I'm really, really good at Rochambeau.
Why does it always have to be marksmanship? Why isn't it markswomanship? I know plenty of women who can shoot, and if not for the healing factor, I'd have the bullet holes to prove it. So I'm going to go with sharpshooter. I think I'm a really good shot, and I'm a quick learner when it comes to new toys. I don't usually have the time to line up a shot in the heat of battle, but I double my chances by putting a gun in each hand. I learned pretty quickly that if you send enough bullets in the general direction of your target, sooner or later, they're going to go down. And it's worked so far.
Maybe I'm an idiot savant, or maybe I'm smarter than the average merc, but I can repair small problems with the techno-do-hickies that Weasel makes for me. I can disable security systems. I wouldn't call myself a hacker, I have an image to maintain, but I'm smarter than your average computer nerd.
For a while there, a lot of people thought that I was Agent X. But I knew better. His real name is Nijo Minamiyori, but everybody calls him Alex Hayden, since that's the name he picked after he lost his memories. He's kind of like my long lost brother, son, and clone, all rolled up into one. He has a lot of my powers, skills, and personality, but he's not me. I'm being serious here! He's not me; he just sometimes works for me at D.P., Inc.
Althea and I have a complicated relationship. I call her Blind Al. She prefers Blind Alfred. She's ex-British Intelligence and lives with me in the Deadhut. Her birthday's coming up; she's probably getting close to a hundred years old now. Does Hallmark make a birthday card for your prisoner / friend / housekeeper / Greek Chorus / mother figure? Well, they should. I need one!
BOB, AGENT OF HYDRA
Bob was an Agent of HYDRA and before I liberated him, he says kidnapped, he wrote a blog about his experiences. He's my number one fan. He's also my second through five thousandth fan. I had to pad the numbers somehow. Some days I treat him like he's my best friend, other days I treat him like a beloved pet. I'm not sure if he can tell the difference, but he's nice.
CASA DEL PULPO
For the princely sum of twenty-two thousand dollars a month, I get to live in one of the coolest places in all of New York - one of Doctor Octopus's old bases. It's got an automated coat rack, a private study, a fully stocked laboratory, a garage with multiple hidden exits around the city, a torture chamber, a bowling alley, a kitchen with a hidden weapons cache, a home theatre, three bedrooms with motion-activated, voice controlled, zero-tolerance, laser-net security systems, and best of all, cushy toilet seats. Oh that feels so good against the skin. I wasn't a fan of the huge freakin' statue of Doctor Octopus at first, but it's growing on me. It's homey.
Steele Fitzpatrick is a regular at the Hellhouse. He keeps my seat warm for me when I'm not there, and when it breaks, he gets me a new chair. He also signs for my packages, haha, packages. But he's all right. He's also a mercenary like me, except not at all like me. Nobody seems to know what C.F. stands for. I think it's Cannon Fodder, others think it's Cluster something.
My costumes aren't much to speak of. They're not made from unstable molecules. They're not even bullet proof, not even a little bit. But they're comfortable and I look good wearing them. Because they don't stand up to the wear-and-tear lifestyle of the merc on the go, I have to buy them in bulk.
The Deadhut is what I call my house in Starling. Because Blind Alfred doesn't see too well, I had Weasel install a voice activated holoden that makes it look neat and tidy. It's cheaper than hiring a maid, but barely. I should get Weasel to make me some of those solar panels I keep hearing about.
"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all your troubles sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like them to go away? Sometimes you have to go, where Sandi takes your name. And she's always glad you came. You wanna be where you can pay, for your troubles to go away. You wanna be where Sandi takes your name. You wanna go where Deadpool knows, money is all the same. You wanna go where Sandi takes your name. You wanna go where Deadpoll knows, money is all the same. You wanna go where Sandi takes your name." D.P., Inc. is role-played before a live studio audience.
Imagine if you will a young couple; let's call them the Un family. They had a bouncing baby boy, so what do they call him you might ask? They named him after the ancient Greek poet Homer, or the Simpson's character, I'm not really sure about that. But Homer Un is pretty handy with a baseball bat. Weasel, C.F., Fenway, and I usually share a table at the Hellhouse.
If you haven't figured out that I know I'm a M.U.S.H. character by now, then you have what I like to call a learning disability. It's okay, United Heroes takes all kinds, even me. But just because I know I'm a M.U.S.H. character doesn't mean I have to beat you over the head with it. It's a lot more fun when it's a subtle wink. I should probably clarify that it wasn't very fun to write this application.
This trope is still called Gambit Roulette? Guys, I thought we settled this? It really should be Deadpool Roulette, but whatever you call it, I'm a master of the convoluted plans that seem to rely on random chance, but invariably come off without a hitch. My plans should never work out, except that more often than not, they do. Sometimes, I even surprise myself, isn't that cool?
Sister Margaret's School for Wayward Children has been burned, condemned, demolished, rebuilt, and burned again. Somewhere along the way, it became a Mercenary Club run by Patch, which is short for Dispatcher, but not as short as he is. It's great, it's got pool tables, a jukebox, and a bar, but it's got one problem: Location, Location, Location. It's in freakin' Keystone!
When a teleportation belt isn't enough, or it's not working, I turn to Ilaney Brukner, my plump personal pilot. She's sensitive about her weight, which is why I never shut up about it. It's called motivation. Look it up sometime!
Blond, brunette, redhead, I change my appearance with the tides, and my handy dandy image inducer. I don't really know how it works. You'd have to ask Weasel about that, but I think it's tuned to my brainwaves. That's probably not good for the inducer. If I can see it, or think it, I can look like it.
Oh, there's no resource here. But you've been so good at reading that I thought you deserved a break. Have a Kit Kat. You should also copy and paste this link into your browser: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptKgRecPi1I Wasn't that fun? But, now we return you to your regularly scheduled sheet.
I found this cool satchel in my backyard. I think it's magic or <insert technobabble here> I use it to store weapons, ammo, and some other goodies.
Agent X swears that we have this girl named Mary Zero working for us, but I think it's just an excuse for him to collect two paycheques. Whoever heard of a girl with the power of imperceptibility? Now, what was I talking about?
Inez Temple is one of my crazy employees at D.P., Inc. She doesn't have to be Inez, but it helps. She hates it when people call her Crazy Inez. She's a mutant with super strength, durability, eye-hand coordination, and an uncanny ability to remain decent while wearing the micro-est of micro-miniskirts.
You probably think that Patch is a short, hairy, little, runt, with anger issues, who spends his days in a seedy bar, with even seedier people, and you know what, you're absolutely right! But he's still not the Patch you're thinking of. This one owns and operates the Hellhouse. Patch is short for dispatcher. He gives me mercenary contracts and I give him a cut of the money. His real name is Robert Stirrat, and he's a fan of Liza Minnelli.
Erik Nicieza is my official biographer. He has no superpowers and few skills, but he once stumbled into D.P., Inc., wrote Ratbag several dozen times on the application form, and more than that, he showed gumption. I like that. He used to have trouble thinking, he used to be homeless, but he's better now.
Good help is so hard to find, but in Sondra Brandenburg, I found a real keeper. She used to be an exotic dancer and I'm sure she has other skills too. Sandi's my secretary at D.P., Inc. She also has really bad taste in men.
Vespa is not just a scooter, it's a way of life. It says so right on the brochure. Even though I've got a teleportation belt, I love getting around the city on my kickass moped. I've gotten that baby up to 58 miles per hour. Thirty more, and a flux capacitor, and I'll be going back to the future!
Everybody should have one; they're ever so much fun! I use mine to teleport myself out of, and occasionally into, dangerous situations. I also use it to creep on this Irish girl I like. I wonder if it's better for the environment than using a car. It probably is. I bet it is. Hey Weasel? Weasel! WEASEL!?
"I work hard for the money, so hard for it honey, I works hard for the money, and you better treat me riiiiight!" I'm a working man. I don't have a trust fund, I wasn't raised in a mansion by some wheelchair-bound Englishman, and my dad didn't leave me a crystal castle. I'm just a regular Joe, and knowing is half the battle. I have to work or it's no new Christmas toys for Widdle Wade. If I've got to go crawling through a sewer to get a piece of some reptile for an eccentric billionaire, I will. If I have to crash a party in Berlin, then ich bin ein Berliner. Come on, baby needs a new pair of shoes.
I like guns, I like grenades, I like sais, knives, and katanas. If I'm not using a gun or something sharp, there's probably something wrong with me. Better make that something else that's wrong with me. The ones that aren't strapped to my back, belt, thigh, or boots, are stored in my magic satchel.
My buddy, mi compadre, Weasel is a friend, kind of a sidekick, he supplies with information, and all those wonderful toys. He's probably my best friend, and that's not just because his real name is Jack Hammer. He's not really all there, you know, in the head, so I try to set a good example for him. He's learning. Once he tried to betray me. I was so proud of him and so angry with him too. That was fun. It didn't work, but I still took him back anyway.
WOLFRAM AND HART
I have cancer and I'm alive. I should count my blessings. But the cure was almost as bad as the disease. My healing factor's waging a constant battle to keep the cancer in check. Sometimes it does all right, and I almost look normal. But other times it leaves me looking like a freak show. I'm pretty sensitive about it. That's why I wear the mask. The people who see me without one have a nasty habit of getting hurt, badly hurt, just as soon as I cover up.
It's not easy being me. Everyone wants a piece, and there's not enough to go around. The queue starts with T-Ray, and it stretches wow, that's far. Quick, somebody call Guinness, I'm thirsty and I think we've got a new world record. Do they even make that book anymore? Come on guys, it's time to go digital. But there are a lot of people who would like to nail yours truly to the wall. Some are good people, some are not so good, but they all want me.
You might have noticed how often people set public identity or secret identity as a flaw, but I can't do that. Everybody knows that I'm Wade Wilson, so I kind of have that whole public identity problem. But here's the catch. I'm not even sure if Wade Wilson is my real name. I think that's why T-Ray hates me so much. He's not sure either. Last I heard, I'm Wade Winston Wilson, and he's Wade T. Wilson. But nobody seems to know what the T stands for. If you're confused, don't worry, I'm sure that'll be retconned soon.
There was a time when I thought that sanity was an either or. You're sane, or you're not. But then I discovered that there's now just a grey area between them, but a whole rainbow of colours, and its colours, not colors, colours, got it? Now that we've got that cleared up, where was I? Oh yeah, I may seem cartoonish or childlike, but I'm not so bad. When I do bad things to good people, it's not out of malice, and sometimes it's unintentional. The rest of the time it's because I was paid well. So what I'm trying to say here is that my sanity hangs by a thread. I could go twenty years and never see it break, or it could snap tomorrow. Isn't that fun? May you live in interesting times?
It's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it. I'm a mercenary, the one with the mouth, though most mercenaries do in fact have mouths, I'm kind of famous for mine. I make a living by killing people, though not all my contracts involve death. Sometimes I'm asked to steal, and once, I was hired to do a kid's birthday party. Even I thought that was messed up, but a job is a job.
My most lethal weapon is my mouth, but it can be just as bad for me as it is for all of you. I never shut up. I'll just talk nonsense until you surrender, or commit suicide. I'll make fun of anyone or anything, fat things, skinny things, things that grow on rocks, tough things, sissy things, even things with chicken pox, love Deadpool, the Amazing Deadpool, the merc you want to hire! What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, how mouthy I am. Everyone's fair game for the merc with the mouth. No one's safe, not even me. I'll take every avenue to ridicule someone, and I know these streets like the back of my hand. Did I always have six fingers? One, two, three, four, five, six, ok.
My reputation precedes me. People I've never met know me by my costume, my can do attitude, and my real name. I'm still not sure how they know, but I've given up trying to figure that one out. It's not like I make a habit of introducing myself as Wade Wilson. Before we meet, you probably know that I'm a mercenary, a criminal, and that I kill people for money. But I've got it covered. I hired Ratbag to be my personal biographer, so he'll sort it out.
Most sociopaths live fairly ordinary lives. They try to hide it, but I don't. I embrace it. I act out all the time. I kill people for money. I do what I want, when I want, and I don't care who knows it. I have a violent streak, but don't hold that against me. "Hi diddly dee, a bad boys life for me."
T-Ray is a large, and I do mean large, albino redhead, who wears a band-aid on his nose. I think he originally put it there to keep his nose from falling off, but I have no idea why he kept it after his healing factor reattached his nose. He hates me because I registered the domain names for every variation of Wade Wilson I could think of. I may have killed his wife.
You've got to hand it to that wacky Canadian super hero project, preferably something in the small explosive range. I actually volunteered for the Weapon Plus program. How stupid was that? They put me in Weapon X, but not the cool Weapon X, I had to settle for being part of the second instalment. Nobody remembers the second instalment. If not for me, Kyle Gibney would have been the cool guy in the second instalment. Yeah, think about that for a minute. Anyway, their five year reunion is coming up, and I really don't plan on attending. If they phone, I'm getting Consuela from Family Guy to answer it.
I have a way with women. I can look across a crowded room and pick out the one I could have the most dysfunctional relationship imaginable with. My relationships are pretty destructive, and to top it all off, I'm usually too lazy or too tired to end it properly. They have a habit of coming back to bite me in the behind at the worst possible time. When I do find someone who's good for me, her friends think I'm bad for her, and they're right.
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|A Ride in the Country||February 26th, 2020||A visit from Cap, Deadpool, and pieces of another.|
|Somebody Touched Me||February 8th, 2020||Steve is visited by Wade in medbay.|
|Unchained Melody||January 24th, 2020||Deadpool makes a date with Colossus. (Platonic. YEAH I KNOW RIGHT?)|
|Girl from Ipanema||January 15th, 2020||Jubilee finds Deadpool on a ceiling, and helps out.|
|But I left a note||January 1st, 2020||Wade drops by Steve's for a movie and holiday cheer.|
|Santapool and the Snowflakes||December 17th, 2019||Santapool stops by with some rather unorthodox decorations and some presents. Much laughter, frustration, and free-falling fun is had by all! Welcome, Squeakers!|
|You can Tag Team crazy||December 9th, 2019||Harley and Deadpool meet on a rooftop. Some serenading and business and crazy happens.|
|Spiritual, not Stabby||November 27th, 2019||In the Xavier's kitchen, Deadpool talks about how to name weapons and sticks and dicks and whatever with Sharon. Err, Shannon.|
|With roses||November 13th, 2019||Wade and Steve stalk a roomba and take it PRISONER.|
|Who Cut The Cheese||November 8th, 2019||Much mac 'n cheese is made, holiday plans are discussed, and a wild Deadpool appears! The mac 'n cheese is highly effective!|
|'Too soon' for Hitler||October 29th, 2019||Steve and Wade catch up.|
|Bazinga||October 18th, 2019||Wade and Steve have WAFFLES and are pals.|
|Age of Darkness: Celebration of Life||October 12th, 2019||It was the Memorial Celebration for Superman, and it was a sombre event for everyone to be a part of.|
|Keep yo' shirt on||October 8th, 2019||Wade offers Steve a pile of confusing updates.|
|It's just a Hallway, dude||October 8th, 2019||Wade is Wade in the hallway with Shannon and Sam.|
|It's a Crime Scene||September 30th, 2019||Some people mess with Deadpool's CRIME SCENE investigation of the Loki thing|
|But you're not Batman||September 26th, 2019||Deadpool puts on a puppet show for Harley, among other things, including a rescue.|
|FYI, Wade YES.||September 13th, 2019||Wade and Steve have waffles.|
|FYI, Wade. No.||September 13th, 2019||Steve lectures Wade, and Wade flips out.|
|Yep, still here||September 12th, 2019||Avengers are SO MEAN to Deadpool /again/ when he's trying to help them out by being Thor or something.|
|Filling in||September 11th, 2019||Wade encounters Nat, and fails to convince her that he's Thor.|
|Also with Glitter||September 4th, 2019||Wade and Steve have Serious Talks about Sentinels, Mold, and Sandwiches|
|HEY. HEY. LISTEN.||August 22nd, 2019||Steve removes bullets and information from Wade about the mafia hits.|
|You are the best, Wade.||August 20th, 2019||Wade and Steve talk about murder and dating. Kind of.|
|On your Lawn, scaring your Newbies||August 11th, 2019||Shannon meets Deadpool.... and so do a lot of other characters! Pure fun and chattiness!|
|It's a Running gag, on your left||July 25th, 2019||Wade visits Steve about Bucky's mental problems.|
|I am also a fan of Steve!||July 25th, 2019||Bucky meets Wade, and there's blood and a Steve!|
|Not exclusively horrible||July 22nd, 2019||Steve is visted by Wade. There's Legos and nudity.|
|Back at It||July 1st, 2019||A day in the life at Xavier's School|
|Roofs are good.||June 25th, 2019||Spidey, Deadpool, and Black Cat share some insanity on a rooftop. (Wade's.)|
|Lunch time Pizza time||June 16th, 2019||Food and Deadpool times had by all.|
|TAKE ME HOME||June 11th, 2019||Deadpool 'attacks' Steve in the hallway, ends up stabbed with toothbrush and firm words.|
|It's like.. A Bag of Pineapples||May 24th, 2019||Wade brings Spider-Man to the Avengers lawn for him to vomit. Or get recruited. It's messy.|
|NOBODY EXPECTS A MIDAIR SNATCH AND GRAB||May 21st, 2019||Spidey gets kidnapped by Deadpool. It's sexy. Except for the vomit.|
|Kiss her (or me), Requiem for a smoochie||May 20th, 2019||Steve kills Wade with niceness.|
|Just kiss her! (Or me||May 19th, 2019||Wade helps Steve with his girl troubles.|
|It's Salty||May 17th, 2019||A statistician, a biologist, and a mercenary slip and fall in Clarence.|
|The Internet Is Down||May 13th, 2019||A surprise AI visitor to the school prompts a network shut down. Doug, Samuel, Kitty, Lorna, Quintin, Jubilee and Deadpool converse as the network is brought back up.|
|What, Wade!||May 7th, 2019||Wade will remember that.|
|Backscratchers||May 5th, 2019||Summary needed|
|Happy Birthday to Me||May 2nd, 2019||Kate celebrates her birthday with friends. As it should be.|
|Terrible Topiary Decisions||April 15th, 2019||Deadpool and Captain America FITE|
|Innocent robots and Dickbushes||April 12th, 2019||Jessica tests a gun, and Deadpool carves up a bush. Steve and Bruce evade the situation.|
|A Quicker, Picker-Upper, Bounty! Wait.||April 10th, 2019||Wade informs Steve of potential new developments in the safety of the Sentinel 'scientist'. At something like 3am in the morning.|
|I think I'm aclone now||March 27th, 2019||Steve confides in Wade about the Janet clones, and Wade isn't a total dick about it.|
|You Are Doin' Me a Bamboozle||March 26th, 2019||Steve wants to sleep. Janets want to Steve. T'Challa wants to help. Thor also wants to share buttered chicken. Wade wants to sow chaos. It's all chaos -- glorious chaos.|
|I volunteer as tribute||March 15th, 2019||Kitty attempts to visit Janet, finds a Wade and Steve instead.|
|Late Night Talk, Avenger's Style||March 14th, 2019||Janet, Steve, Minoke and T'Challa talk about the Sentinels. Deadpool drops in|
|He didn't see my Snark||March 12th, 2019||Deadpool and Steve work on a puzzle!|
|A friendly intruder||March 11th, 2019||Deadpool shows up at the school in disguise. Nobody is fooled, but they humor him anyways.|
|Some Nonsense||March 7th, 2019||Dating advice with Deadpool!|
|Sentinels: These butt jokes just make themselves||March 1st, 2019||Summary needed|
|Sentinels: LOOK AT MY ASS||February 20th, 2019||Deadpool shows Steve his Sentinel parts.|
|Sentinels: BUTT TRUCK!||February 9th, 2019||We stole it.|
|Throwing things is bad||February 8th, 2019||Summary needed|
|Definitely A Bar Fight!||February 5th, 2019||Steve Rogers just wants to enjoy his ale. We can't have that.|
|Together Forever||February 5th, 2019||Natasha and I talk about a super great mission|
|Special Double-SIZED Giant Extravaganza!||February 1st, 2019||Wade is super nice and might be hired, while Jean is ALL FROWNS and Logan puts the bro in bromance|
|Sentinels: Storytime with Deadpool||February 1st, 2019||Some mission stuff, and Steve GAVE ME A HUG ON PURPOSE|
|Angel of the Morning||January 29th, 2019||Captain America babysits an injured Deadpool during laundry.|
|I WILL DO IT||January 26th, 2019||Deadpool is injured; Steve and Jessica deal with the blood spatter.|
|Learning.||January 24th, 2019||Summary needed|
|Maximum effort considerateness.||January 22nd, 2019||Steve and Wade bond over some jogging. Wade behaves -- for the most part.|
|It's an innuendo||January 19th, 2019||The all-America side of beefcake attracts more visitors.|
|Home Sweet Home: Steve's Little Fortress of Solitude||January 18th, 2019||Deadpool and Steve are clearly dating now, I don't know what you mean, Jessica and Janet witnessed it.|
|Taco Tuesday||January 16th, 2019||Deadpool's prank turns into a taco trip and not-date somehow.|
|Hopefully not wrecking the Rec room.||January 15th, 2019||Summary needed|
|On yer Lawns, with yer Gnomes||January 7th, 2019||Deadpool is allowed to stay at the X Mansion for ONE NIGHT, since it's cold.|
|Visiting Hours are for Squares||December 20th, 2018||Visiting hours really are for squares - and people not brave enough to thwart SHIELD security and say hi to Steve via the ceiling. Deadpool steps up to the task!|
|Also in the front yard...||December 12th, 2018||Deadpool gives Natasha a napkin of clues.|
|Come hold my hair||December 10th, 2018||Deadpool tries SO HARD to make friends with Steve, but only gets one piggyback ride.|
|Out of Order||December 10th, 2018||Skye and Ward discover Wade washing his outfit in the breakroom sink. After he scampers off, they're joined by Clint and May. Ward makes a date to chat with May on the morrow. Skye doesn't get to drink her coffee. Wheels are up in 15.|
|So decisive||December 7th, 2018||Domino gets a visit from Deadpool while working.|
|Supply Closet Date||November 27th, 2018||Deadpool attempts to find supplies and is blocked by meanies.|
|And now for something completely different||November 26th, 2018||Jubilee and Deadpool wrap holiday gifts.|
|Black Sky: The Guys with the Dragon Tattoos||November 13th, 2018||Daredevil, Hawkeye (the cool one), Deadpool, Richard Dragon and Zeitgeist take on the Yakuza and their Hand allies. They get a surprise visitor by the name of Jinx, and find out vans make excellent distractions.|
|Misfired Coffee||November 8th, 2018||Wherein there is toaster strudel, discussions of ninjas and tourneys.|
|Deadpool Won The Bet||November 6th, 2018||Deadpool asks Natasha for help after ending up with a crowbar stuck in his head.|
|Tourney: My Red Suit Bro!||October 20th, 2018||Deadpool and Wade discuss Spider-Man, cancer kids, and jobs. They bond. Kind of.|
|Tournament: There Can Only Be One||October 20th, 2018||The Tournament culminates in one of the oddest battles yet. Robin, in a self-sacrificing move... WINS? How does that even work? (Because: Deadpool)|
|Mostly Platonic||October 16th, 2018||A 'signal' on a roof attracts some odd conversation.|
|Tourney: It's kinda like sex, but unarmed||October 11th, 2018||Deadpool shares with Elektra some of his concerns about the tourney.|
|Tourney: Paying Respects||October 4th, 2018||A walk about the Tournament grounds leads to several interesting conversations, and more bittersweet sorrow.|
|Tournament: Magical Fisting Powers||October 4th, 2018||Tourney fight, Deadpool vs. Iron Fist.|
|Aeterna is Spiff||October 2nd, 2018||Kat and Deadpool meet about one of Deadpool's targets.|
|I fixed it||September 27th, 2018||Deadpool and Jubilee talk around injuries while duct tape is used.|
|Ghost Stories||September 26th, 2018||America has a lot of stories to tell. Also the Death Dealer rules.|
|Lost my Broomstick||September 15th, 2018||Summary needed|
|You have the Best Food here||September 14th, 2018||Deadpool shows up in the x-mansion dining area.|
|Down Time||August 10th, 2018||Disney is Weird. So is Deadpool.|
|Little Green Bag||July 30th, 2018||Deadpool is confusing... nuff said|
|Changeling: Souvenirs||June 28th, 2018||Clint and Skye invite Nat and Wade (or is it Waude? don't ask) for dinner and gifts, oddly, nothing goes wrong.|
|Skull emoji Poop emoji L by Lois Lane||June 6th, 2018||Even Lois Lane couldn't dream this [redacted] up.|
|Deal with the Devil||May 15th, 2018||Mystique arrives at the Triskelion and turns herself in, claming innocence and wanting to make a deal. Director Fury takes the gamble.|
|Just Another Day At The Office||May 5th, 2018||Deadpool decides to join the Xavier School, as a student? Teacher? Pest? Eitherway, you'll have to tune in to the sequel to find out how that works out!|
|Domestic Bliss||May 4th, 2018||Wade could use some IKEA Instructions to help him live a better life with Natasha|
|Ready, Fire, Aim||April 15th, 2018||Deadpool gets a jetpack and somehow the world is better for it...|
|Just Chillin'||April 11th, 2018||Bonding in the arctic beaches of....the arctic.|
|Oh f---, Deadpool's got into the experimental weapons!||April 9th, 2018||Wade Wilson, come on down, you're the next consultant on the Spy is Right|
|Housewarming: Moar Chatter, Less Prep!||April 2nd, 2018||Skye and Clint hold a housewarming, and their friends live up to all expectations making it uniquely theirs.|
|Conspiracy: House Call||March 18th, 2018||Tony and Rhodes investigate the source of Jenette's phonecall only for everything to go pearshaped leaving Rhodes hospitalized a woman dead, and more questions then answers.|
|Lakeside Chats||February 26th, 2018||An intruder on the grounds has Psylocke arriving to investigate. She finds Deadpool building a canoe. Confusion follows. Someone loses a hand.|
|Rising Tide: Party in Medical!||February 12th, 2018||Tony is in the medbay but a consultation must be done on the Rising Tide crisis. So everyone ends up there.|
|Late Night Lux||February 2nd, 2018||A peeping Cassie watches over Wade and Oswald|
|Let's Do Lunch||January 8th, 2018||Wade and Natasha meet Steve for lunch. Some Fangirling may or may not have happened.|
|Boxing Day at the Deadhut||December 26th, 2017||A nice quiet morning at the Deadhut|
|Scene 3345: Note to self, insert funny title here -- Deadpool||December 9th, 2017||Rogue and Deadpool share a drink while Sam (Jerome) tends bar at Luke's|
|Social Sparring||November 17th, 2017||Hawkeye and Skye spar with Natasha looking on. An unexpected visitor in the form of Deadpool turns the bout into something much more serious.|
|You can do it, we can help||November 11th, 2017||Jean Grey has a run in at the Home Depot that she's not likely to forget.|
|Mr. Potter's Fantabulous Emporium||October 21st, 2017||Summary needed|
|Steamboat Natty||September 29th, 2017||Wade takes Natasha on a surprise trip to the Happiest Place on Earth.|
|We try not to wreck the school||September 16th, 2017||Summary needed|
|On the Job||September 2nd, 2017||Summary needed|
|Starro Light, Starro Bright||August 10th, 2017||Starro alien race plans an invasion of Earth, Alpha Flight and other Heroes are out to stop them.|
|I fly by the seat of my pants||July 27th, 2017||Summary needed|
|At the Movies with Wilson and Romanov||July 26th, 2017||Natasha and Wade spend a night in watching movies|
|Close Encounters of the Bird Kind||July 10th, 2017||Deadpool, Vorpal, Kian and Mikh walk into the park. Don't ask. It just gets weird.|
|The Regina Monologues||June 26th, 2017||Wade introduces Natasha to Starling and the DeadHut|
|How was your day||June 14th, 2017||Natasha and Wade catch up on things|
|Guns, Germs, and Steel||May 30th, 2017||Wade made room in his armory for her stuff. If that ain't love... Natasha agrees to move in.|
|Did somebody say Yoga||May 28th, 2017||Deadpool comes to visit Natasha at her penthouse, for their agreed upon date.|
|Like a Surgeon||May 25th, 2017||Natasha seeks Wade's help after she manages to tear out her stitches during a fight.|
|I don't think we're in the lobby of the Triskelion anymore||May 23rd, 2017||Wade and Natasha take a leap, agreeing to be honest with each other if they are going to have any sort of relationship.|
|Some Assembly Required||May 4th, 2017||Natasha approaches Deadpool with an assignment.|
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